In April 2022, as a couple, we made the decision to come off the contraceptive pill and try for a baby. We decided to not put any stress on the situation and if it happened, it happened. Fast forward to the 25th November 2022, when my period was 3-4 days late. Since coming off the pill my period hadn’t been exactly like clockwork but I decided to take a pregnancy test… Positive.
We were excited but kept calm and decided to keep it to ourselves for a couple of weeks. We then told the mams and dads and my brother and sister-in-law. It was coming up to Christmas and they would have been suspicious as to why I wasn’t having a glass of Christmas fizz!
Leading up to Christmas I was very busy with work so didn’t have much time to think about being pregnant. Although I’d had some nausea, I was really lucky that I hadn’t actually been sick…Although I did develop an aversion to chocolate! Not ideal for a baker at Christmas time!
Our 12 week scan was booked for January, just 2 days before we were due to go on holiday.
The week leading up to the scan I’d been feeling a bit ill, which resulted in the day before the scan going to the doctors surgery. After seeing the doctor and confirming I had a chest infection, I was given a course of antibiotics.
Later that day I went to the toilet and when I wiped I saw blood on the toilet paper… I felt sick. I rang the doctors surgery and was told to expect a call back from the doctor. Within the hour the doctor called and he explained that any blood can seem a worry but isn’t always a cause for concern. I explained my scan was the following day and he said that should put my mind at ease. Although I was still anxious, this considerably put my mind at rest!
The following morning we headed to our scan. Once in the scan room, I explained the spotting I’d been experiencing. The nurse said that we’d get straight on with it, that she may go quiet until she found anything, but once she knew, she’d let us know.
After a couple of minutes she said that she could not see anything and would need to do an internal scan. She began to look again and after a couple of minutes (it felt like hours) said just three words “I’m so sorry…”
She carried on to say that there was no heartbeat and baby was measuring at just 10 weeks. In a blur, we were taken to a small side room and told that somebody would be with us shortly to explain ‘next steps’.
Over an hour later a doctor arrived to explain that we’d had a ‘missed miscarriage’ and gave us leaflets to decide on how to proceed.
“You’re young, you can try again” – this phrase was worse than the sympathetic looks and kind words! Everybody was being kind but I was so upset and angry!
We decided to go for ‘medical management at home’ which involved taking a tablet at the hospital then two days later using pessaries to help pass the pregnancy. I took the tablet and was told to expect ‘period-like cramps’ in a day or two… Less than 36 hours later we were in A&E. The pain was horrific and I ended up on morphine!
We stayed in hospital for 2 days until it had passed… Or so we thought. Two weeks later I called the doctors to say I was in a bit of pain. The doctor did an examination and gave me a strong dose of antibiotics for an infection.
3 weeks after the hospital stay I was told to do a pregnancy test and if it was positive to ring the hospital. I thought that surely it would be negative… It wasn’t! A call to the hospital and a scan later confirmed that the medical management hadn’t been entirely successful. This time I opted for surgical management and was booked in for the following week.
A week later, after coming round from the surgery I was told that it had gone well. It was painful following the surgery but this only lasted a day or two.
Two weeks later a negative pregnancy test showed that it was finally over and we could begin to move forward… 7 weeks after our scan date.
There were two things that I personally found difficult. The first being telling family about the miscarriage… Family that were so excited for us when we told them initially that we were pregnant. However, having that family around us during those difficult weeks was definitely needed.
The second is the ‘circle of guilt’ that you feel afterwards. Catering for baby showers and wondering why they get to be happy and have a healthy pregnancy/baby, then feeling guilty for feeling like that and then trying to be happy and put on a brave face, even though you feel sad and angry at the unfair situation, then realising you’re back to the beginning of the circle… It’s hard. It’s really hard!
It has however gotten easier with time. I still have pangs of sadness, my first period following the loss was particularly difficult, but we move forward and are thankful that we can try again once we are ready to do so.