My story of a chemical pregnancy and dealing with a pregnant colleague
My husband and I had been trying for a baby for the last 2 years. In the days leading up to my period I was talking to the girls in the office and saying how I’d had some weird symptoms and they said “perhaps you’re pregnant”. We always joked saying that myself and one of my colleagues would be pregnant at the same time and that our workplace would fall apart.
By this point I had given up hope that we would get pregnant, but lo and behold when I didn’t start my period I took a test on the off chance and saw the word ‘pregnant’. I was beyond happy. I facetimed my husband, as he was at work, to tell him the joyous news and then called the GP and my manager. My husband came home with flowers and we were so happy, but quite overwhelmed.
The following day I went to work and was dying to tell my colleague, but she had only recently started trying for a baby so I decided not to. But as it was the Friday before Christmas and we were hosting my parents I knew I had to tell them and was only too excited to.
They came round on Christmas Eve and I wrapped the pregnancy test box up and we filmed their happy reaction. We had a wonderful Christmas discussing all things baby related. Then in the evening on Christmas Day I started getting sharp pains on my right hand side, which eventually went away, but the following morning I felt period pains, though no blood. I thought it was just my body preparing for the baby.
All of Boxing Day I felt absolutely fine and very content. I went to bed and when I woke up the next day I felt fine until I went to the toilet and saw a lot of blood. My husband went and got pregnancy tests, I took two in row and it said ‘negative’.
Now this wasn’t my first miscarriage, I had one when I was 19 and was 15 weeks in, but I wasn’t going to keep the baby and although when it happened then it was still heart wrenching, I haven’t felt heartache like this time round for such a long time. I was always worried if I got pregnant again whether I would miscarry.
Each time I went to the toilet all I did was cry, not believing that this was happening to us. I started to have a panic attacks (I suffer from generalised anxiety disorder) and felt like I wasn’t on this planet.
Due to it being a bank holiday we couldn’t ring the GP and I wasn’t going to bother an ambulance crew only to be told the inevitable. The next day we were advised to go to the Emergency Department where they confirmed a chemical pregnancy. Although we knew our baby was gone it was still a painful process.
I got home and called my manager as I was meant to be in work. I said that I wouldn’t be in for the rest of the week and to let my colleagues know what had happened. I wanted them to know as there was too much baby talk with myself and my colleague trying for a baby at the same time.
The next week was tough, but I decided that I would go back to work as I needed the distraction. But that’s when I got a message from my colleague stating she had just had her 12 week scan. How was I meant to go to work when we had lost the one thing we wanted most – and to sit next to someone who had everything! Luckily my manager let me work from home for the next couple of weeks until I decided that I would have to face this head on.
At first my work colleagues were very cautious about talking about her pregnancy around me, but I found this worse. How could I expect her to not enjoy her first pregnancy? It shouldn’t be this way for her, she didn’t deserve this.
I pleaded with my manager to let me work from home but apparently everyone said they missed me too much. So we have agreed if it gets too much then I can work from home.
I’m still heartbroken. I still cry. But it seems my colleagues have forgotten that I’m going through this and are celebrating my colleague’s pregnancy.
So I decided to try fertility meditation and yoga. During these sessions you visualise your future baby and although sometimes this is comforting, I have also burst into tears. I have now invested in crystals to hopefully aid fertility and a safe pregnancy when the times comes.
Also, although my pregnancy was very short I have noticed that I have put on a lot of weight due to my hormones and my stomach is incredibly bloated.
I want to say that the NHS offered me no support. I had to find the Miscarriage Association by myself and had to google to find out when it’s safe to have sex to try for a baby again etc.
We have started to try again for a baby and hopefully in two weeks time that test will be positive again, but this pregnancy isn’t going to be a happy, joyous and exciting one. I already know that I will be fearful of going to the toilet. I’m not sure I will feel safe for us until the 24 week mark.
And it’s weird because I already feel like I am nauseous and fatigued (exactly the way I felt on my last pregnancy). Maybe it’s just the anxiety.
I wanted to share my story as I noticed that there weren’t a lot of stories regarding chemical pregnancies and it felt quite lonely.
I know my pregnancy wasn’t long but we had waited so long for a positive result and we really wanted to meet our little one.
I want to send love to all the mummies that have been through or are still going through a loss.
This year I will… light a candle for our little one on 27th December.