Hello everyone, this is my first time talking about the loss of my baby. I think I share your pain.
When I found out that I was pregnant I was immediately happy, I really couldn’t stop smiling. Nothing could disturb me. Although I did have fears, I felt that maybe I wasn’t ready. But I had dreamed about it so much that the feeling that a little seed was growing inside of me was the one that made me not look at the negative.
That baby made me feel strong, safe, without hesitation at all. The baby gave me glasses to see reality in a more sensitive and, at the same time, objective way. It was as if that baby and I knew each other before, that feeling that only those of us who have been pregnant can know. I was sure that this baby was a blessing for us and that maybe they were the reason that his dad and I met in such a magical way.
Deep down I had a feeling that he would be a boy and I dreamed of a relationship with him… I imagined what he would be like, if he would look like me or would have his dad’s green eyes. I wondered if he would speak like me or like his dad.
But after 7 weeks I started getting back pain, then colic, and when I went to the toilet I realised that I had begun to expel some small clots and blood. I went to the doctor immediately and he did an ultrasound. I did not stop bleeding. I wondered what was happening with the baby. I knew that something was wrong.
I was so scared and desperate, seeing so much blood only scared me more. I felt that it would have been better not to go to the doctor, because maybe the ultrasound was harming the baby. When I saw the doctor talking to another doctor, he just told me to calm down, but that the baby was gone, that it hadn’t got a heart beat.
I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. I tried to figure out if what he said was true or if maybe there hadn’t been enough time to find a heartbeat. I asked if it had been my fault. I thought that maybe it was my workload. The doctor just said that it was probably something to do with his genes, and that it had not worked, that was all…
Up to today, as I write this, I haven’t been able to recover. It’s been a week since it happened and I’m still bleeding a little. I feel so out of balance, dazed, alone, not wanting anything. Maybe I’m not going to be a mom again? How do I remove this emptiness that remains inside of me? I feel that I will never be able to fill it.
I have no boyfriend anymore, because we ended the relationship. We see the loss differently. He felt bad and faced it differently and I felt as if he didn’t care.
My pain is uncontrollable. It burns, it suffocates me, it makes me feel angry, it knocks me down. I sleep without sleeping. I dream that I see my baby being born and that we have a life that does not exist. I wake up not wanting to, I want to stay in my dreams. I can only cry, ask myself and answer myself the unknown of what happened to my baby…
“I loved you without knowing you and now I miss you so much, little bean. Fly high little Lucas, one day we will be together again.”
