The whole reason we are put on this earth is to reproduce and I can’t do that.
You always assume you will have kids. I remember playing the boardgame ‘Game of Life’ whilst growing up, putting a pink peg and a blue peg in the back of the car thinking “I’ll probably have one of each”…
I’ve never been hugely maternal and when I fell pregnant in 2014 (4 months after my partner, now husband, lost his mum) it came as a shock. That second line appearing on the test. Telling my partner that we were going to have a baby… It just didn’t seem real. We were excited though and we made plans.
I remember it was a Friday and I was wearing a white skirt. I went to the loo and noticed the blood. We spent the next day at the hospital having tests, I had my hcg levels taken and they were not very high. I went back a few days later and my hcg levels had dropped so a miscarriage was inevitable.
I passed the baby (I still like to call it a baby) a few days later.
Even though my first pregnancy only lasted 7 weeks. He or she was due on 3rd June 2015 and he or she was wanted.
The first loss sticks with me the most and that’s the only due date I remember (more guilt). It turned out that getting pregnant wasn’t the issue. It was keeping it. They just wouldn’t stay.
We tried everything over the next few months/years. I had so much blood taken but nothing was found to be wrong, which to me was worse, as if there was a problem, it could possibly be fixed by taking something.
I had the lining of my womb scratched to try to make the best environment for a baby. Took progesterone every day. But nothing worked and after 4 losses I decided that enough was enough. I couldn’t go through it again, mentally or physically.
I was offered no counselling and I have nothing to remember my 4 angels.
I have been alienated, as there is such a stigma with miscarriage and baby loss. I have been the only one not to be shown a scan photo in an office, which was embarrassing.
I have come to terms with never being a mum. I have missed out on a huge part of life but, despite this, me and my husband are happy. We have our fur babies, we have nice holidays and nice long sleeps, but I do feel tremendous guilt for denying him of being a father.
I also worry that when we’re older, nobody will bother with us, but what’s important is that we have each other.
Sometimes life doesn’t work out how you expect it to and some days are hard, but you just have to keep smiling and focus on the positives 🙂