It was recently the one year anniversary since we lost our baby.
I was 12 +5, due for my ’12 week scan’ on 4th April and had already had a scan at around 8 weeks to see a perfectly growing baby.
I had my miscarriage on 2nd April 2022, and the treatment and language used by nurses, NHS staff and doctors was unforgiving. This story is about how it’s ok to be angry, sad and hurt by the way you might have been treated by NHS professionals during the most heart-breaking moments of your life. It’s ok to issue a formal complaint and hold those in the wrong accountable.
I’ll start at the beginning…
In the early hours of my miscarriage, with heavy bleeding but not knowing what was happening I was told in A&E that even if I was miscarrying there was nothing that could be done; this happened twice and each time it broke my heart. Later, I returned to A&E with heavy bleeding and lots of pain, whilst checking in I felt intense pain and lots of blood, I was sure this was the moment I lost my baby.
I was moved to a wheelchair but left to sit in the blood in A&E for 30 minutes. Once I was finally seen to, doctors had to try to remove what was left of my baby, one doctor specifically showed no compassion, empathy or a willingness to listen to my needs. She frequently said that they needed to remove the ‘product’ or the ‘product of conception’, this was said a lot and eventually I plucked up the courage to say it’s not a product, this is my baby and I want you to say baby. She acted as though she heard but she made no change to her language, she still said product and acted as though it was ok. I understand this is the term used but it is not right that I was ignored. My baby died and I needed to hear that it was my baby that was lost. Not just another product that she was working with.
As the evening continued this doctor made comments about the midwives not doing their job properly, complained about them not having the correct equipment and overall she was awful. The midwife who she spoke about was lovely, she rubbed my hand with her thumb, said that would speak to the doctor and comforted me when I could swallow my cries no longer. She was the tiny positive light through this ordeal and I often think about that comfort.
After the evening of removing my baby was over, I spoke to other midwives who started their shifts with joy and happiness, I really hated this. Why were they so happy but I had just lost my baby? I felt like again this was not them showing their best, most compassionate, selves.
I had to go back for my scans to check the baby had gone, nurses and midwives still didn’t reveal their best work ethic, from not knowing why I was there to telling my heartbroken husband that even if he rang to ask for advice it’s unlikely they would speak to him. I couldn’t understand why these professionals were seeming to fail at a huge aspect of their jobs, making patients feel comfortable.
These are reasons why I submitted an official complaint that resulted in a meeting with the head of each department to discuss changes that need to be made. Some staff changes have been made to A&E, however I was told that without lots of complaints about specific doctors or nurses nothing could be done with the way individuals spoke to me. That is why I am sharing my story.
For over a year I would share one detail with friends and family on how I felt let down by the staff at the hospital, but I would quickly follow it with how ‘I know they’re trying their best because they’re underpaid, understaffed and need help’. Only recently with the help of therapy, I have learnt that these two ideas don’t rely on each other. It’s ok to complain, be angry and speak up and say that the way myself and my baby were treated was not good enough.
I want people to read this and know they are not alone. Change can be made if everyone speaks up and demands fair treatment. Together changes can be made, because I for one know that I don’t want anyone else to ever feel as insignificant and unimportant as I did the night I lost my baby.
Thank you for reading this.
-Kami
16/05/2023