With Mother’s Day just around the corner I’ve been thinking a lot about the past few years.
I’ve been many different things during the last few Mother’s Days. I’ve been the yearning mother, the grieving mother and now I’m finally going to be the new mother.
I’m writing this now, as I know someone, somewhere needs to read this. I know this because I was that person not so long ago.
As a teenager I was diagnosed with PCO and endometriosis, both of which can seriously affect fertility. For one reason or another I have been very fortunate to have both of these issues rectify themselves in some way or form.
My husband and I started trying for a baby in the summer of 2017. I was worried we’d have issues thanks to my health issues, but my doctor fast-tracked me to the fertility clinic because of my medical history to get us any help we might need. After a visit to the hospital we were very lucky to find out that neither of us had any fertility issues. Stress and the pressure we had placed on ourselves personally were the only real things to blame.
I know a few of my friends are still yearning mothers and it’s easy now for me to say this but it’s the best advice I was given. You just need to believe in yourself instead of tearing yourself down. Women need talk to each other and support each other the best way they can.
We’re so often made to feel like miscarriage is a taboo, probably because it makes people feel uncomfortable about life that never got much of a chance. But it happens so often and women need to talk about it more openly with each other in order to support and help people move on.
We lost our first baby back in 2018, after trying desperately to fall pregnant for nearly a year. I’ve never really put anything up about what happened, but I feel it’s time to share my story with you all.
I was very ill with morning sickness during my the pregnancy. I could barely move or function without feeling incredibly sick. I had to take time off work, as I couldn’t keep anything down and felt dreadful. I ended up being off work the whole time I was pregnant.
At my 3 month scan we were devastated to find out I’d had a missed miscarriage. Something I’d never even heard of. I’d carried my baby for the past three gruelling months of endless sickness and had just found out my baby had stopped growing around 5-6 weeks. The sonographer accidentally knocked the sound on in the room after telling us both and we suddenly heard the empty noise of my quiet womb where a tiny heartbeat should of been. The noise was deafening as it resonated around the room and broke our hearts. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that empty noise.
Unfortunately my body still thought I was pregnant and my womb had continued to grow and put out hormones even though the baby had stopped growing. I was scared and possibly a little in denial that my baby was no longer alive, so I refused to let the doctors preform any procedure to take my baby away. I opted for the natural way and waited for nature to take its course. My body refused to let go and it took a full month before I finally miscarried.
I thought I’d miscarried the day before it actually happened as I’d had a little pain and a big bleed, but I was wrong. The next morning I woke up to contractions at 5am. They steadily got worse until it finally happened at 7am. Thankfully my husband was there with me as it was a traumatic experience. There was blood all over the bathroom floor. I refused to flush my little one down the toilet and somehow I managed to get them out and put what I assumed was my baby in the bath out of the way of the mess.
I lost a lot of blood and almost fainted as I lay on our bed covered in blood. I couldn’t hear anything but a ringing in my ears and everything was bright and in slow motion. I could barely move. I couldn’t believe how much blood I’d lost after some people told me it would be just like a heavy period. But people forgot that my womb had continued to grow, and I think that’s why I lost more blood than expected. My body was technically 14 weeks pregnant at the time.
I was taken to hospital to get checked out and they asked if I had saved what came away. I said I had and they asked to see it to ensure everything had come out and I didn’t need any further treatment. When we arrived at the hospital I was very disorientated and weak. I ended up with the worst doctor who broke the spectrum up inside of me as she tried to examine me. She made my husband stay behind the curtain so all he could hear was my scream as the loud shatter of the spectrum breaking gave me a fright. She shouted at me to relax and it shattered under her rough handling as she tried to force me and it to open. Covered in blood she brought out the broken spectrum and put it in my face telling me it was my fault it had broken and that I should relax! She left me on the bed covered in blood, sobbing without anything to clean myself up with or a pad to help with the flow. Needless to say my husband and I put in a formal complaint and she was dealt with.
They checked what had came away and confirmed that it was my baby. I was asked what I would like to do with the little one and it broke us all over again. We decided to have the little one cremated so we could scatter their ashes at our favourite beach into the ocean. It was a beautiful and poignant moment when the waves lapped up on the sand and sparkled in the sun. Whenever we see the sea sparkle we always think of our little one.
A lot of people at work wondered why I was off for over 3 months, secretly due to my pregnancy sickness being so bad. It was so hard to explain to those that knew exactly what had happened. I ended up quitting my job as I couldn’t bear to tell anyone else the same story or have nosey people ask why I was off for so long.
My husband was very supportive and said I should take time off to feel better and concentrate on relaxing and feeling stress free so we can try again when ready. He blamed the stress of my job and the anxiety of being off sick from work as a reason why our baby had stopped growing.
I used my time off wisely and started exercising and watching my calories. I had been eating less than I should have and that resulted in me gaining weight if you can believe that! I got pregnant again in January 2020 and gave birth to a healthy little girl in October of that year. Nearly to the day I lost my first baby.
We will always remember our little star. We visit the beach every April around their due date and just spend a little time looking at the waves sparkling. I also bought a lovely fake branch of white sweet peas to put up in our home as this would have been their birth flower. It doesn’t make me sad, it makes me smile that we remember them, even if they were only tiny.
I think a lot of people don’t understand when you have a missed miscarriage as it hasn’t happened yet. I also don’t think many understand the effect of carrying a baby you thought was healthy and thriving for 3 months can have on someone. Someone told us it wasn’t a baby as it was only 5-6 weeks into its gestation. But I carried them for 3 months, so it makes no difference. Even if I’d lost them when they stopped growing, it was still our baby we lost. It still hurts no matter how long you carry your baby for and it was still our baby no matter what.
I don’t dwell on the past, I just remember my little one and cherish every moment with our gorgeous little girl.