This pregnancy was a surprise pregnancy, we already have 2 boys aged 6 and 7. We were so excited to add another little one to our family. We told my in-laws and our boys and we were all over the moon.
I had awful sickness with this one as I had my others. I don’t know what it was but in my mind I felt something wasn’t right and something inside me told me to get a reassurance scan. We booked it for when I turned 8 weeks.
I remember the morning of the scan I was really anxious and getting myself worked up about there not being a heartbeat. We walked into the room and I remember lying there thinking and praying, ‘please be a heartbeat’.
As she scanned my tummy I saw exactly what I’d been dreading. “No heartbeat”, they said, which could be normal as I was only showing as 6 weeks. I knew that something was wrong though as I knew I was 8 weeks and that my dates could not be wrong. We were told to come back in 2 weeks for a re-scan to see if the baby had grown.
In those 2 weeks we prayed and hoped all was okay. I was still being sick and was tired all the time.
The day we went back for the next scan I felt like I was going to my death, I felt numb inside. I remember lying there again and knowing what they where going to say as how could they say anything else. They scanned again and confirmed that there was no heartbeat. We were then sent to the waiting room to await the report for the doctors. This was awful due to seeing other people coming in with their pregnant bellies and being overjoyed.
Then came the difficult part. I contacted the early pregnancy unit (EPU) and had to arrange everything myself, as the doctors said that it was nothing to do with them. This being my first loss I assumed the EPU would scan, confirm and then offer me help. I was scanned at 11 weeks and they confirmed that baby was still there, she was still measuring 6 weeks and there was no heartbeat – but I would have to be rescanned in a week’s time due to hospital policy.
Fast forward another week, when I should have been 12 weeks. I was scanned again, and again confirmed that she was still measuring 6 weeks, still with no heartbeat but because her sac had grown I’d have to go back in another week.
We booked another scan for 10 days later but the day before I was due to go I remember feeling pressure and something coming away. I remember going to the toilet and looking and seeing a clot with tissue. My partner was at work so I rang my mother-in-law upset thinking it was the baby. How wrong I was.
I was sitting on the sofa crying from the pain. Paracetamol and ibuprofen weren’t touching it. It felt like contractions. People say it’s a heavy period but no one mentions that just like with birth your body wants you to push. I ran to the toilet and pushed and out came what I assumed was a massive clot. I was in shock but I reached in the toilet bowl to check. What I came face to face with was my little tiny 6 week baby in her sac still fully intact. I can say I was not prepared for this.
I again rang my mother-in-law in hysterics and panic because my mind couldn’t process what I was holding. I couldn’t reach my partner, so my mother in law rushed to me whilst calling my partner to come home.
For the next 4 hours I was having to push and pull clots out that were coming away, this was also a shock as you just don’t expect it.
Since passing the sac with our baby inside I couldn’t bare to flush her away. By this stage we had already given her the name we had picked out for her, Evie Rose. We had been given a rose bush by my partner’s work so I looked on the Miscarriage Association website to see what else I could do with her remains. This is where I read about burying her. I gently took her and buried her with her rose. This has helped me come to peace, knowing that she’s still with us.
I’ve had a hard time with her not being with me and have cried many a time. I have even brought her and her rose inside because I couldn’t bear her being out in the rain, being cold and on her own. This may change eventually to when I can leave her rose outside, but I’m not ready to let her be on her own. I feel calmer, so I know this is right for me.
We have made her a memory box where we will put her scans, the pregnancy test, the photo of her sac and the photo of her rose after she was buried. We are also going to print a certificate to give her her name and the day she was born.
Her heart may have stopped at 6 weeks but I carried her till 13 weeks and she will be remembered. She will be celebrated every year on the 4th of August when she was born and buried.
I don’t know if people will think I’m wrong, but I want people to know it does not matter how you deal with your loss, as long as it brings you peace it is the right thing.
I would like to thank the Miscarriage Association and all the people sharing their stories, for helping me realise that it’s okay to feel how I’m feeling and to want to bury and name my baby even if she was only 6 weeks.
We decided to give her the girls name we’d picked out because everyone associated her with being a girl. We didn’t mean to but everyone would always say ‘she’.
Evie Rose will be forever loved and remembered.