Going back to 2011, we were boyfriend and girlfriend, we were only 22 and 23 and we tried for our first baby.
We got pregnant quickly, but it was short lived. I experienced bleeding from around month 2, but I had scans and there was a strong heartbeat and my cervix was closed. Then the day before our 3 month scan I experienced heavy bleeding. I had an emergency scan and they found no heartbeat.
A missed miscarriage is what I had experienced. We were devastated. I was booked in the next day for surgical management of miscarriage, but unfortunately it started to happen naturally during the night. I had never felt such heartache. I felt petrified to stand up in case the baby came out.
An ambulance took me to the hospital and a few days later it was all over and I was back home. Recovering was tough, I had a month off work.
When the time came, we tried again and our beautiful rainbow baby (our son) was born.
Fast forward 10 years – we have a 10 year old son, a 6 year old daughter and have got married. I missed my period and we soon found out we would be expecting a third baby. I was so excited to give my children another sibling.
We were prepared and decided to have a private scan at 6 weeks, and again at 10 weeks. All was perfect, no bleeding no symptoms of miscarriage and we had seen our baby twice on the screen already.
On the morning of our dating scan I was excited. I would pick the children up from school and tell them our wonderful news.
Off we went to our scan. As I am lay on the bed looking at the screen, panic rushed over me. The baby didn’t look any bigger from our last scan. I looked over to the sonographer and said, “the baby isn’t any bigger.”
I remember her saying, “Lacey, we don’t know if there is a heartbeat, we need to check.” I squinted my eyes on to the screen and I shouted, “there isn’t a heartbeat, I can see there isn’t.” That’s when I heard the news for the second time, “I am so sorry Lacey, there is no heartbeat.”
My world came crashing down. It took me back to that moment when I was 22, laying on the bed feeling just as frightened, just as scared and just as vulnerable. But this time I had 2 children I had to care for, to think about and still had to go home and be their mum.
I remember saying, “I can’t go home. Going through a miscarriage at home was too traumatic, I can’t go through that with kids in the house, they can’t see that. I can’t go home.”
A little while after, I went to see the doctor and they said they would have a bed ready for me in the evening – I could come back and then have the operation first thing in the morning.
I walked out of the hospital, the world seemed like it was spinning, all a blur.
I went to pick the children up from school and as they ran up to me for cuddles and kisses I acted as normal, like nothing was wrong. Deep down inside I was heartbroken, not only for my husband and I, I was heartbroken for our children and the future I envisioned for them. We should have been telling them that they were going to have a baby brother or sister, but instead I was getting ready to go back to the hospital.
How was it fair that this had happened to us again? I was completely heartbroken.
A little part of me felt like I shouldn’t be grieving as I already have 2 children.
I maybe even feel a little bit guilty for feeling so upset, as I am already a mum.
But my heart aches, just the same as it did in 2011. Just because I already have 2 children, or because I have already experienced a missed miscarriage before, it doesn’t make it any less painful. My feelings are valid and I am allowed to grieve for my babies that didn’t make it.