Friday evening on 5th February 2021 was the best night of our lives. My partner and I found out I was pregnant and nothing was wiping the smiles off our faces! The second you see 2 lines you start planning a future together and start preparing yourself with how your life will soon change as you bring a special little human into the world!
Unfortunately this all changed for us on Wednesday 24th March 2021 when we heard the dreaded words “ I am so, so sorry, your baby has stopped growing and there is no heartbeat “ …That day will haunt me forever and I can’t get the image out of my head of being in the EPU getting scanned.
I had always been slightly worried about becoming pregnant as I was 12 weeks early myself, however doctors told me not to worry as it doesn’t mean that I would have a premature baby. I strive to become a mummy and everyone always says I am made to be a mummy as I am so good with children.
I suffered from a missed miscarriage which I think made the whole experience prolonged and difficult. My partner and I had gone for a private scan when I was 7 weeks but our baby was measuring 6 weeks, which we were told is quite common. We saw “wee bumper’s” heart beating away and from that day on we assumed everything would be ok! I was due my 12 week scan 6 days after we found out that we were losing our first baby.
From the first day of being in EPU to find out our news I was then in and out of hospital so many times as my miscarriage became quite complicated. With me having a missed miscarriage I was given a few different options – to miscarry naturally if my body would manage it, have medical management or have surgery. I opted for medical management as I didn’t feel my body wanted to let go and I didn’t want surgery.
I took my first lot of medical management at home with my partner and sister by my side. I was in so much pain and lost a lot of blood. Three weeks later I took a pregnancy test and I was still showing positive. I was then back in the hospital having more scans and bloods to be informed that the medication had failed. I was admitted to hospital to take the medical management again on a ward which gave me the same symptoms as before, but I wasn’t in as much pain. It was touch or go if I was to stay in hospital but after scanning me they discharged me. I did say at the time that I didn’t want to have to come back as it was making me distraught going back to hospital and bringing back memories, but I was promised everything would be ok.
Three weeks later I took a pregnancy test and it was still positive! …I hit rock bottom as I felt I couldn’t take it anymore. Back to the hospital and they explained the tablets had failed again so this time I opted for surgery which was awful as I really didn’t want to go down that route, but it was my only option. I can’t even explain how I felt that day and then waking up alone in a ward, not knowing where I was or anything, it really got to me.
Fast forward to now – October 2021 – I still don’t feel myself and I know I will ever be the same person again. When we found out about our baby a piece of my heart went to heaven with “wee bumper”.
I am so thankful for support groups and my family and friends as I don’t know what I would have done without them. We attended a Miscarriage Association Zoom support group a few times and we also got a Simba memory box where we keep our scan picture and I follow Tommys on Instagram which has helped me. I met a friend via the Miscarriage Association who I now class as one of my good friends as I don’t know what I would have done with our her. We speak regularly and even met up in person which was lovely. I feel we can appreciate how each other feel and understand each other.
Before suffering from a missed miscarriage I didn’t even know it was a thing. There are so many different miscarriages that can happen which has really opened my eyes too. I don’t wish it upon anyone as it’s so heartbreaking.
This is our story. I may have missed parts out but the main parts I wanted to share are there and I just want people to know they are not alone and our hearts go out to anyone who suffers from miscarriages.
We have the brightest star in the sky looking down on us.
All our love,
Laura and Phil