I was 5 weeks when I found out I was pregnant with my first pregnancy. I’d been with my partner for around 8-9 months with plans to do some travelling, buy a house and both study to enhance our careers.
The pregnancy was a bit of a shock and I struggled to get my head around it. The first couple of weeks were emotionally very hard.
It got to week 7 and I started having lower abdominal pains, similar to period pain with some sharp pains on the right hand side. I was referred to the early pregnancy unit for an internal scan. During the scan they said I was measuring at 5 weeks, with no heartbeat detected. I was then called in to see a nurse, who informed me that my pregnancy was of uncertain viability.
The pains continued and I was back in the early pregnancy unit for a further scan on week 8 of my pregnancy. With no heartbeat detected and no embryo growth, it was there that I was told I was having a miscarriage.
The pain and bleeding increased two days after that appointment. For two days I had to sit and wait for my pregnancy to pass.
Grieving a pregnancy I only experienced for a short number of weeks, I kept asking myself why was I so upset over something I never really had? The grief was like nothing I had ever experienced. I wasn’t only losing something, I was losing a part of me.
The pain and bleeding lasted a couple of days. With bleeding reducing to that of a period for around 7 days after. However the pain continued after the bleeding had subsided. Not severely, but I knew something wasn’t right.
Three weeks after my miscarriage, I was admitted as an outpatient to Gynaecology, where they found I had retained product and an infection. They gave me medication to pass the retained product. I had to relive the pain I had previously gone through during my miscarriage.
I have a huge support network and think of myself very lucky with the support I’ve had throughout.
But I still feel people don’t understand.
When does the crying stop?
The emptiness you feel every day.
The sleepless nights staring into the darkness.
The physical pain your body has been through.
Will I ever be my bubbly, happy self again?
I try and come back to ‘normality’. I walk my dog, I get out of bed and get dressed in the morning. I meet friends for coffee, I spend time with my family. And I feel a slow strong progress that makes me think I can get through this.
But then the bad days come and I feel stuck in this emptiness.
It’s been 4 weeks since my miscarriage.
I beat myself up thinking I should be okay by now.
But, I’m only 7 days post procedure of retained product. Am I rushing back to normality?
Reading other peoples’ stories is such an inspiration and hearing that I’m not alone allows me to power through and build myself up to get through this.
My heart goes out to all those suffering and I hope you all know that you are not alone.