Finding out I was pregnant was a shock but one I welcomed with open arms and an open heart. The father was not on board really at the beginning as it wasn’t ‘real’ for him yet, but I gave him the space to process it all. I decided that no matter what, I would protect and love my little sunshine, even if it meant doing it alone.
It started off with normal symptoms, all the tiredness and sickly feelings along with sore boobs too. Then came little trickles of blood and some clots. I remember having to take myself to the hospital in the middle of the night, having to drive myself in so much pain.
Work was stressful and my manager seemed to have no regard of my situation at all.
I had weekly visits to the emergency gynaecology unit, each time was scary and worrying. I was worried that they would tell me something terrible. I remember praying each time to hear a heartbeat.
I would read to my little sunshine and tell them about the life we would live and how we would be best friends. I would sing to them and talk about all the things life had in store for them.
I never met my little sunshine, but I loved them more than I can explain.
Finding out on Monday 18th October (2 days before my 29th birthday) that there was no growth and no heartbeat, I was shocked and devastated. The midwife tried to explain to me the options, but I simply couldn’t process anything.
During the days after I cried more than I can remember. I went through the natural process at home. I guess I wanted to hang onto them for as long as I could. I didn’t take any pain killers because the pain was like a reminder that it was real in a way.
I was off work for 3 weeks and went back to the same stress and what felt like no support.
I had my first period around 6 weeks after and it was rather traumatic, very heavy and very painful. I experienced some fluctuations in mood but nothing I could not manage.
More recently I have been feeling very angry and very sad, mainly with the father and my manager. I realised that this may be due to all that has happened and the fact that I’m still going through the process of grieving and letting go.
I feel alone and out of control emotionally. But writing my story, while have little cries here and there, seems to help.
I’m going to try and restart running and pilates to help with my emotions as I’m picking arguments and pushing people away.
I guess I’m still in the eye of the storm but sharing has helped me today. If this has helped you then share your story too, queen.
This year I will… It’s been two months and I guess I’m still not out the other side, whatever that looks like. But I’m designing a tattoo. I also envisioned having white roses in my little ones room so I have them in the house all the time.