How did my body miss a miscarriage?
Towards the end of August 2021 my then fiancé and I discovered I was pregnant. I had no inclination of it and did not really have symptoms at the time. When I did the pregnancy test and saw the positive results my instant reaction was to burst out laughing! I tend to laugh in situations where perhaps nerves are involved. Although we were not trying to conceive it was a lovely surprise and as the days went by when the symptoms began to kick in (morning sickness which lasted all day and most of the night), fatigue and fluctuating emotions, I was super excited and fell in love with our growing baby.
Our 12 week routine scan was due on 18th October 2021 which we were led to believe is the somewhat danger free zone and a milestone when we can begin to start announcing our great news to everyone. I started to fantasise about what I would wear to the scan and how I would do my hair… as you do! I bought some leopard print shoes, clutch bag and hat as my ‘scan outfit’ – crazy? I know!
On 13th October 2021 I started to bleed but only ever so slightly. I did not think it was too alarming as I knew it could be normal, but to act on on the side of caution we attended the early pregnancy unit to get checked out. When we arrived, my fiancé was not allowed to accompany me due to COVID, unless we had a pre booked appointment. They examined my cervix and said that everything looked fine and they could not detect any sign of miscarriage, but booked me in for an emergency ultrasound the following afternoon.
14th October 2021 at 1430hours was our emergency scan and this time because it was a pre booked appointment my fiancé could accompany me, but only up to the waiting room. My name was called. I was a bag of nerves walking up to the room and laying down for them to scan me. The room felt so cold and clinical and all I could smell was antiseptic. The nurse performed the scan but had the screen towards her so I could not actually see anything. She then uttered the words no one ever wants to hear, “I am really sorry but your baby has no heartbeat and appears to have demised at 8 weeks gestation. Your body has not recognised this and this is what is called a missed miscarriage.”
I could not even process what she said but I remember tears started to run down my face and I began to cry. She called my fiancé in from the waiting room to be with me as support and we were both devastated. This is not how we imagined a scan to go and there was nothing anyone could do about it. We were quickly given options on what to do next but that was the last thing on our minds.
A missed miscarriage? How do you miss a miscarriage? We had never heard of this phrase up until then and it was so confusing. How could my body miss a miscarriage?
‘A missed miscarriage occurs when a foetus is no longer alive but the body does not recognise the pregnancy loss or expel the pregnancy tissue. As a result, the placenta may continue to release hormones, so you may continue to experience signs of pregnancy.’
I still felt very pregnant and cannot comprehend as to why my body did not recognise this. All sorts of thoughts went through my head such as did I do something wrong? Was it something I ate or didn’t eat? Did I take the wrong prenatal vitamins? Did I not take enough of them? Why was this happening to us?!
During the weekend my health took a turn for the worst. I was starting to experience a lot of pains in my stomach and back which were becoming unbearable. We ended up in the early pregnancy unit again the following morning to see if they could prescribe me some strong pain killers because taking paracetamol was not working. After another long wait I was finally given some strong pain killers which I started to take as soon as we got home.
I could not really move much and just laid on the sofa but I remember I started to feel really hot and sweating so much. By the late evening I was screaming in excruciating pain and the bleeding got so bad. Off we went to the hospital again and I could not even stand.
My fiancé is wheeling me in a wheel chair and I cannot even keep my eyes open. By now I am bleeding through my clothes and on to the floors and feeling so embarrassed. The early pregnancy unit decide to admit me early hours of 18th October 2021 due to my severe blood loss and put me on the drip. They said they will try their best for me to have my surgical procedure in the morning. There I am laying in a hospital bed on my own as my fiancé cannot accompany me. All night and all day he waited in the waiting room for me.
The morning of 18th October 2021 came and by 1130hours I am being wheeled in to theatre and by midday it’s all over. My uterus is empty and the last joyful 3 months have come to an end.
My fiancé and I returned home. It should not have been this way. I should have still been pregnant and everything should have been okay, but life had other plans unfortunately. Both our workplaces were very supportive and allowed us time to grieve and process what had happened.
Key Points
Baby loss is just as traumatic for the women as it is for men and I think at times that is over looked. My fiancé was my rock and we both love and supported each other through this every day even now.
The last thing you want to hear from people who think they are helping is any sentence that starts with the words ‘at least’. At least you were not too far along. At least you know you can get pregnant. At least you know your body works. I know all of the above but it still does not take away from the pain we had to endure. I know my body works and I know I can get pregnant but my body did not do what it was supposed to do, did it? I did not hold my pregnancy for whatever reason.
1 in 4 pregnancies will end in loss and that is a horrible statistic. I am one of those statistics and I am not alone in that because it happens more than people know.
Fast forward, my fiancé is now my husband after a gruelling 18 months of waiting to get married due to restrictions. Are we happy? Of course we are. Do we think about what happened to us in October 2021? Every day but we are in a better place. It is okay to feel all kinds of emotions and feelings such as guilt, envy, anger, self blame but it is also okay to not feel anything. There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief but our advice would be to keep the conversation going. Talk to someone, even if it is at work.
So 18th October 2021 was meant to be our 12 week scan but ended up being the day of my surgical procedure. We will never forget this date as it was also during Baby Loss Awareness Week.
I was convinced it was a boy and we named him Aaryan Amadeus Chandra-Square. We were parents to him for 12 weeks and no one can take that away from us.
