My name is Rebecca, and I am one in four. I had my first child at age 24 after a mere 2 months of trying. It seemed as if this “getting pregnant” thing was easy. I was lucky to have a very easy pregnancy and healthy delivery at 39 weeks. When my daughter was around 1.5 years old, I found myself pregnant again within a few months of trying. Little did I know what was to come….
My pregnancy in 2018 became the worst experience of my life when at 6 weeks I had excruciating pain and bleeding begin. Within a few hours, I was at the hospital being told I have an ectopic pregnancy meaning my baby was developing inside one of my fallopian tubes and was “nonviable” and without a heartbeat. Within a few hours, I was rushed into emergency surgery, being told I may lose my reproductive system and potentially my ability to ever have a child again. Luckily, I had a fantastic OBGYN who was able to save both my tubes and preserve my ability to reproduce. The recovery from surgery was extremely difficult – physically and emotionally. The grief quickly turned into anger and the questions of “why me” crept in. I immediately got back in the saddle and wanted even more to have another child.
By September of that same year, I found myself pregnant again. I was elated! This time would be different, everything was going to work out. After calling my OBGYN, I was told I would need to have an early ultrasound to ensure that this pregnancy was not in my fallopian tubes as the last one was. Two days before that ultrasound was to take place, I started to bleed. Over the next 48 hours, I would experience yet another natural miscarriage. I was devastated. How could this be happening again? I was in shock. When I went to my OBGYN office, it was confirmed that I was having another miscarriage and I was put into a small conference room to await my doctor to “talk with me and my husband”. Anyone who has experienced this knows this is the coldest way to deliver such heartbreaking news to a couple.
As determined as ever, we decided to try again. Within a few short months, I found myself pregnant again. This time, my HCG numbers were high and strong. This is it! I thought. This time I will have my baby. By February, I made it to 6 weeks with strong HCG numbers and was scheduled for my early ultrasound. The bubbly technician, who I had now seen for 3 previous pregnancies, was positive and upbeat. This all felt right! As she began the ultrasound, she said the words “Well, there is not just 1 baby, but 2! But baby #1 has no heartbeat and does not measure as expected, and baby #2 had a lower than expected heartbeat”. Again, cue the conference room conversation. At this point, my OBGYN said “not to worry” (trying telling someone with recurrent miscarriage and secondary infertility not to worry!) and to come back in 3 days and we will check on the heart rate. Within 3 days, I am back in the office laying down to have my ultrasound. I knew coming in that something felt off. I could feel it in me.. Then, as if I am reliving my own worst nightmare, my technician says those words no woman wants to hear “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat”. Enter the walk to the conference room… At this point, I was giving up and throwing in the towel. The amount of grief and anger I had throughout this ordeal was extraordinary. I felt helpless and low for the good portion of my daughter’s second year of life. Luckily I was able to find a wonderful therapist who helped me through some of my darkest times. Eventually in September, I became pregnant with my son, who I delivered 2 months into the global COVID-19 pandemic. This rainbow baby finally made his way into this world. However, grief never leaves you and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t feel the ache in my heart for those babies I could never hold.
Writing about my experience, grief, value of therapy, and general wellbeing has been incredibly therapeutic for me. I started a blog, The One in Four, to hopefully help as many people as I can, even by just offering to listen.