Myself and my husband always wanted to have a baby, the dream was to get married and start trying. We didn’t think it was going to be difficult, we thought it would be straight forward, but it wasn’t how we ever planned.
We started trying for our first baby in June 2019, by August 2019 we found out we were pregnant. The excitement that we both felt was indescribable. I did the pregnancy test and didn’t look to see the result as I was so nervous. I left it in the bathroom for my husband to reveal the answer. I heard him in the bathroom rustling through the instructions and then he came into our bedroom with the biggest smile and said “baby, it says pregnant!”. I was shocked and life just felt so amazing and complete. I felt that instant love and could not stop smiling and felt so blessed!
I had a lot of morning sickness, day and night sickness too, but that didn’t bother me, I just wanted to enjoy every second. I had cravings, tiredness, boobs were heavy, all the normal pregnancy symptoms. We decided to call this baby Sprout because we didn’t tell anyone we were pregnant so we could say Sprout and people wouldn’t know what we were on about.
Our scan was the 14th of October 2019 and we were both so excited. We wanted to wait for the scan before we told anyone. We had only told our work managers and my sister so far.
The 14th of October came and we were so excited, but I was also scared. I had a pulmonary embolism in 2017 due to the pill and since then my health anxiety has been awful. Because of the embolism I had to inject Fragmin every day, but I didn’t mind because it was to help me and our baby.
We were called into our scan and I lied down ready, looking up at the screen waiting to see our baby. The lady was scanning around for what felt like forever, then said “I’m so sorry, but we can’t find a heartbeat”. My world just crashed down. I felt guilt and shame that my body had failed and so much anger. She called another lady in to confirm and said our baby was only measuring at 5 weeks and that it was looking like a missed miscarriage. I had never heard of a missed miscarriage and didn’t understand why I still had all of my pregnancy symptoms.
I was taken to another room to talk to a nurse, who said it was looking like I had a failed pregnancy. The word ‘failed’ was such a hurtful word to use. How could I have failed? I ate everything I should have, exercised, slept well, took my vitamins, injected the Fragmin, so how had I failed?
The nurse asked if I had my dates wrong. I knew exactly how many weeks I should have been and there was not a chance they were wrong. They couldn’t do an internal scan on that day because I was too upset. They said they could offer me a d&c in a weeks time, but I was determined to do this all naturally. I wanted to do what was best for my baby and I thought they were wrong about the miscarriage and I could save Sprout. I just wanted to keep our baby.
They told us that the miscarriage would probably start to progress now and to go home and come back in one weeks time to see if the baby had grown or if there were any signs of a miscarriage. We got home and I just went up to our bedroom and screamed and cried so much, I have never felt heartache like it. My eyes were so swollen from crying and I just felt so sick.
One week passed and we told family and friends over this time, who seemed to just respond with ‘it’s one of those things’, ‘it’s a test’, ‘you can get pregnant again’. All things that didn’t make us feel any better. We had supportive people around us too, but that seemed to get drowned out, the negative comments always outweighed the positive. My mom was the only person apart from my husband who held me and cried with me, which helped me feel like I could grieve a little better.
During that week I still had all the pregnancy symptoms, but I had started to spot on the 16th which was my birthday. We went back to the hospital for an internal scan and the lady was absolutely lovely, she looked for our baby and said she had found the baby but there was no heartbeat. She asked if we would like to see on the screen and we did, she gave us a scan picture too. Our baby was so small but the scan was zoomed in and it felt so special to have something to remind me of our baby. I felt like I had been pregnant for 3 months and we had nothing but heartache so that scan picture was so precious! She said that the sac edges had started to change which probably meant that the miscarriage would take place soon. We saw a nurse who did a pregnancy test for me and said it was still showing as pregnant so we had to go back in another weeks time. The nurse said the miscarriage would be like a heavy period.
On the 28th of October I started to get pains at 10 to 10 at night. They were every 8 minutes and I thought they were a bit strong, then it went up to 16 minutes. By midnight the pains were even stronger so I had some paracetamol. At this point the pains were every 5 minutes.
We got to 3am and the pains were every minute. I asked my husband to call 111, I was scared, sick and didn’t know what was happening. A doctor phoned back and said that it was contractions I was feeling and that the pain would get worse with each passing clot. I had not passed one clot and was so scared that the pain was going to get worse! I felt like I needed to push, but I didn’t because I thought there was nothing to push. My husband got me a hot water bottle and a bucket for me to be sick in and at 6:30 I fell asleep propped up against the sofa.
I woke up at 7:30 for my injection and stood up and felt sudden pressure. I went to the toilet and the sac had come out into my pj bottoms. It was the size of my hand and nothing had prepared us for this. I didn’t know what to do in case it would pop and I would see our baby. I gently picked it up and showed my husband. We were shocked at what we had to go through at home. I flushed it down the toilet and within 15 minutes I felt more pressure and went to the toilet. It was my placenta – I had to google what it looked like because I didn’t know what it was.
The relief that our miscarriage had been complete was one thing, but the heartache that I just had to flush our baby down the toilet was utterly heartbreaking.
Me and my husband decided to not try for another baby until after Christmas because it was too raw to think about.
In January 2020 we started trying for a baby again but it felt like it was taking forever to conceive. I thought it was never going to happen again. I was driving myself insane each month doing pregnancy tests, seeing lines that weren’t there and convincing myself each month that this month was the month that it would happen!
In April 2020 I did a pregnancy test – negative. The next morning I did another one and it had a faint line. The next day I did another one and no line. I was so confused. I would wake up at 5am and start doing pregnancy test after pregnancy test. I could see a line but it was so faint. I did a clearblue and it said not pregnant. I was one week late for my period so I did another clearblue and it said pregnant! I cried with happiness and ran down to my husband to tell him the news!
Within a few days I started bleeding and knew that it was happening again. We were in lockdown because of covid and I was having to isolate because of my health. I phoned 111 and spoke to a doctor who said to do a pregnancy test in a weeks time which I did and it said not pregnant. I couldn’t understand why I kept losing our babies at 5 weeks!
We started trying to conceive again straight away. I went to the doctors who gave me a prescribed amount of folic acid, found a lady who did fertility acupuncture and went back to work in July. We had a weeks holiday so I decided to spend this time relaxing. We went for a nice day out, I went for a massage and reflexology. I felt like I had to be productive to get our baby.
In August 2020 we found out we were pregnant again. I did the hcg tests so I could see the line progress over the first few days and then did my clearblue test which confirmed we were pregnant! We did not get our hopes up this time. We knew how quickly this could all change so just hoped for the best and prepared for the worse.
We got to 5 weeks and I woke up with spotting and cramping. I phoned 111 who told me to go to A&E. My husband had to wait outside the hospital due to covid while I went and saw the doctor. The doctor said I would have to wait until 6 weeks for a scan to be able to confirm if it was a miscarriage because they would not see a heartbeat until then. The spotting carried on for a few days but did not get heavier.
I went into the scan at 6 weeks, my husband waiting outside again. I told the sonographer that I didn’t want the scan screen on until they confirmed a heartbeat. He turned the screen on and said there’s your baby measuring 6 weeks and a few days! There was a heartbeat!!!!
I went back out into the waiting room where I was told I had to do a pregnancy test after the scan to confirm if I was still pregnant. I sat down and couldn’t get up to ask if I still needed to do the test if there was a heartbeat. There were all these women around me who were going through a tough time without their partners. I knew how that felt and did not want to be inconsiderate. How could I say ‘my baby has a heartbeat, can I go home now?’. I sat for a few minutes and then went up to the desk and whispered “my baby has a heartbeat, can I go?”. They let me go home, so I rushed through the corridor the quickest I could to tell my husband the amazing news. Life felt surreal! We were over the moon but we still did not get our hopes up and waited for our 12 week scan.
Our scan date came – 14th of October 2020, the same date Sprouts scan was the year before! I went to our scan while my husband had to wait outside again and this time it felt raw, I was still grieving my first baby and the day was hard enough. I was a mess, crying and sniffling, thinking the worse. I went into my scan and again asked them to turn off the screen, the lady said would you like to see your baby, there is a heartbeat. I cried with relief and happiness, I thought is this it, is this finally happening. There was our baby bouncing around with a beating heartbeat, moving, wriggling, I could not believe it.
I had a copy of the scan and tried to send it to my husband while I waited to see the consultant. The signal was terrible for trying to send the picture, but our baby was happy and healthy and that was the best feeling. I sat in the waiting room and put my scan picture in my bag. I did not want to upset other women who might not get the happy news that I did.
On the 1st of May 2021 we welcomed our little miracle baby boy, weighing 6lbs 7 and he is absolutely amazing! I was in labour for 64 hours and had a c-section but none of that pain was anything like the heartache of a miscarriage.
I think having fertility acupuncture for the first 16 weeks of pregnancy and taking a prescribed folic acid helped me.
If our story can inspire just one couple to hold onto their dreams and keep trying then I know this is worth putting out there. This has been hard to write and put out the brutal truth of miscarriage.
I used to read those inspiring stories of people getting their rainbow baby and that is what got me through the bad days.
There is such a stigma about miscarriage and I think it is so important to talk about. For women and men to be able to grieve and know they are not alone!
Thank you for your time and I wish you all the luck in all your pregnancy journeys.