I was 26 when I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks and 2 years later the diagnosis was unexplained infertility.
It was all too much for me and it had a devastating on my marriage. I did not want to be in a childless marriage, I loved my husband dearly but the desire to be free from the relationship was growing, and deep inside I had defined myself as unworthy. I hated myself and my body which had failed me.
I still attended hospital appointments and in 1995 I was accepted onto the IVF programme, it was then that I had to admit to the consultant that my marriage had fallen apart. Deep discussions led me to ask ‘can I do this on my own?’, the answer was yes. I was overjoyed and determined that this was indeed the way forward and I started to make plans.
January 1996 my plans were shattered, I was a passenger in a fatal car accident. The next few months were full of pain, sadness and fear. On my next visit to the fertility clinic, I was told I had been taken off the IVF list. Although I had recovered physically, mentally and emotionally my health was not good, I was having weekly counselling, struggling with survivors’ guilt and I was suffering from PTSD.
When I was 43 I became a stepmother to two boys, now 24 and 26. I have thoroughly enjoyed being a step mother and I love my stepsons, but being a childless step-mother is not the same as being a mother. I was living constantly with the unresolved grief of losing my baby, the overwhelming sadness was at times too much to bear. I was self-medicating with alcohol, it seemed the perfect antidote to dull my feelings of pain and sorrow, the more I drank the less I felt.
I have not had alcohol since August 2020, it was never helping me with my pain and I am learning how my mind works, how my emotions have ruled my life. I am now able to accept life on life’s terms, taking one day at a time is helping me heal.
I am 63 and have recently started to imagine what my baby would have smelt like, felt like and looked like, and I am able to do this without pain or tears.
There will always be a sadness and I will never forget the baby I didn’t get to hold in my arms. I was a loving mother for 14 weeks.
There is so much more to me than being childless, I no longer define myself as unworthy and with acceptance of life itself, I know I will have peace in my last days.