It started right after I got home from working out at the gym. It surprised me and scared me, but I thought it would stop and go away. It didn’t. No matter how much I hoped, wished, and prayed, it didn’t. Instead, the spotting got worse and was the beginning of the most disappointing and traumatic experience of my life. I was becoming a member of the secret club no one wants to join – miscarriage.
I didn’t realize my initiation to this club would include going through two appointments of not being able to the hear the baby’s heartbeat.
Before joining the club, I didn’t fathom having to hear, “There is no heartbeat. I’m so sorry.”
Preceding the club, I couldn’t comprehend abruptly not feeling pregnant anymore.
I had no idea how terrible going through a miscarriage at home and then ending up at the ER would be. It was Halloween and I felt like I was in my own bloody horror movie.
Before the club, I couldn’t imagine the horrible scenes and conversations that would replay over and over in my mind while trying to fall asleep.
It never crossed my mind how I would dread the due date of my baby who was gone too soon.
As a new member of the club, I struggled with anxiety and fears about trying to conceive again and going through the same physical and emotional pain.
After becoming a part of this sorority of sorrow, I understood why no one talks about miscarriage. It is extremely hard to talk about for a variety of reasons. The emotions of the experience flood you once again. Some people are not good listeners. You think you shouldn’t be grieving because there seems to be worse things happening around you. You feel silly for grieving a life no one met. People say things that are hurtful instead of helpful. You have to go on with your normal life and you feel as if people have forgotten your loss.
I have learned that it helps to talk about miscarriage, especially with someone who has experienced it first hand. We are not alone in this. We need to support each other and help each other move forward. Even though we never held those babies in our arms, they will be forever in our hearts. Let’s help our sisters in this unfortunate sisterhood to heal and move forward.