It took us over a year to conceive so when I finally saw those two lines on the test I couldn’t believe it. After months of feeling disappointed and wondering when it would be our time, I finally had my big fat positive!
From the day I found out, I always had cramps, but everyone reassured me it was just growing pains and perfectly normal. I got to just over 5 weeks though and started spotting.
I went for a scan and was told everything looked normal, I just had a ‘little bleed’. I booked in for another scan a few weeks later to check progress and went home feeling a little better.
I still kept having the cramps and sometimes they were quite painful, but I tried to keep positive. I started getting bad morning sickness and was so tired, which we all took to be a good sign.
The night before my next scan I started bleeding. Lots of bleeding. We were convinced that was it. That night my partner held me and we both cried fearing the worse.
The next day we walked in to the scan bracing ourselves to hear the news when they turned the screen for the scan and showed us our baby. We even saw the heart flickering away strong as anything! Shocked and confused they told me I had a subchorionic hematoma and that hopefully it would resolve itself. We went home happy, but still confused and worried to be honest. Seeing my baby and their heartbeat I suddenly felt so protective.
Over the next few weeks I had bleeding and soon got very run down. In my next scan the baby had grown loads and their heart was beating away, but the bleed had also got bigger. I was in so much pain and bleeding every day, but was told to go home and ‘what would be, would be’. No one could apparently help me. We went home confused again, and I was starting to get very scared.
One night the pain started to get really bad and I thought this was it, but it went on for a few days. Then one day I woke up and didn’t feel sick anymore. The dread I had was soul destroying. That night I went to bed and it started to hurt more so I went in to our spare room to allow my boyfriend to sleep.
The pain got so bad and I needed the toilet, but I was crying my eyes out as I knew what would happen when I went. I eventually did and I started to miscarry. The emotional pain is nothing like I’ve ever felt. I cried out for my boyfriend, who held me as I miscarried my perfect baby. The bleed had killed them.
The next day I had a scan and they showed me there was nothing there. The baby was gone. My heart broke.
The following day I went through the rest of the miscarriage which was basically labour and nearly passed out from the pain and bleeding.
The next day was my birthday.
Dragging myself through each day I got better physically and struggled on mentally.
My second cycle afterwards I got pregnant again. I was happy, but confused and felt so guilty for my first baby.
At 6 weeks 5 days I had another miscarriage. My heart broke for a second time. Although not as dramatic or physically demanding as the first one it was still hard going.
At this point something in me broke and I’m not sure it’ll ever be fixed. I don’t even know if I want to try again as I just want my first baby.
I know I need to move forward like the rest of the world has, but that’s hard when I feel like this. So much sadness, anger and loss. Hopefully day by day I will learn to live with it.
This year I will: To mark my babies passing I have already bought a plant and have a star necklace to remember them by. I think of them all the time.