12
Today I should be 12 weeks pregnant.
But we have become the 1 in 4.
I had been obsessively checking the online miscarriage odds calculator, and had a feeling of excitement every day as the odds came down from 29% chance of loosing the baby to 2.5%. Those early weeks were a blur of anticipation and nervous excitement.
9+6
Some spotting just before going to bed. A call to the Early Pregnancy Unit, and an appointment for the following afternoon was made.
10
The sonographer’s silence during the scan was heartbreaking. She asked me if I was sure of my dates. I said that I was. She told me that the baby was small. There was no heart beat.
We had never heard the term ‘missed miscarriage’ before it was mentioned during the scan. A wave of sadness crashed over us. I knew my dates and knew that our baby hadn’t grown as it should have done. The Early Pregnancy Unit booked me in for a scan a week later to check if there was any growth. I was sent home with a pamphlet explaining what my miscarriage options were.
This was the start of a week of waiting, of crying, of disbelief.
What should I tell people? That I had maybe lost a baby? That I was pregnant? I still felt pregnant. That I was miscarrying? That the baby was dead? Would people understand?
We researched the miscarriage options and heard stories from friends before coming to a decision that surgical management was the best option. I packed a hospital bag, feeling a sense of control for the first time in a week.
11
We returned to the hospital to see the consultant. We were in disbelief when the consultant told us that that she saw differently to the previous scan, the baby measured larger than previously thought. She said there was no heart beat. The yolk sac was the wrong shape. The dates were out. But because of the discrepancy, she wouldn’t confirm a miscarriage and so we were sent home for another agonising week of waiting. The consultant estimated that there was a 90% chance of miscarriage. I wondered, for the first time in a week, whether we could be in the 10%?
11+3
I started to bleed. The first sign that there was something wrong.
11+5
5 days later, I no longer felt pregnant. The bleeding was heavy.
12
Today we return to the hospital to have our arranged scan with the consultant.
There will be no pregnancy announcement today because I had a miscarriage.