I will never forget those words, “there is no heartbeat.” I just sat there, empty, eyes shut. How can this be happening? We had heard the heartbeat just a few weeks previously when we went privately and had seen Reggie on the screen – I’m so thankful we did that now and that we got a scan picture, we will treasure it forever.
I just zoned out, trying to make sense of it, the one thing I prayed for now gone… I just placed my hand on my stomach and couldn’t believe this was it. My baby was gone.
I didn’t know what to do, how was I going to tell my husband that our baby was gone… I couldn’t do the one thing us women were put on earth to do… Just an absolute failure as a woman and as a fiancée. They placed me in a waiting room with all the pregnant women and my mind was going 360. I barely spoke to the doctor, it just didn’t seem real to me. Why was my baby gone?
I was asked to have surgery or let it happen naturally. I can still remember passing my baby in the toilet in work and even now I dread going into that cubicle as that vision is all I can see.
The GP rang me a week later asking how my pregnancy was going and I just froze. I had to explain to her that I was no longer pregnant. She apologised as she hadn’t got the notes from the hospital. I just remember shaking as I said the words to her.
I can still see myself in work trying to pretend as if nothing had happened, just being that strong person because that’s what society says we do, isn’t it? Just get on with it, don’t talk about it.
It wasn’t even a baby, some say… But inside I was breaking, just crumbling, wanting to scream. I just wanted someone to talk to.
Anytime I saw a pregnant person I broke down. Then lockdown happened just a few weeks later, as if I wasn’t feeling isolated enough… So I just drank and ate through my emotions until I was numb.
People say, “get over it,” but until you have been in that room and heard those words… It changes you as a person.
It wasn’t until lately that I have been able to go into baby shops and actually face pregnant people without breaking down… You just have to say to yourself, “come on, you got this,” and every day you get a little bit stronger, because every little baby is a miracle.
You are a mum the instant that test says ‘pregnant’. Reg was such a big part of me and we already had all these dreams and plans. I know we will make great parents some day, it’s what I was born to do.
Writing this down has been a sense of relief in a way. It’s nice to talk and say their name, because we are parents.
The Miscarriage Association is a fantastic support, with online groups of amazing women, unfortunately all brought together by the same thing, but a great support system on the days when no else understands.