I had been on the contraceptive pill from the age of 16 to 32. I chose to come off the pill when we decided to try for a baby, naively thinking I could fall pregnant quickly and not a second thought to possible complications or problems. In hindsight I wish I’d come off the pill years ago.
We officially started trying in January 2021, I then stopped having periods from May till August that year. After a blood test and follow up appointment with my GP I was told I have PCOS. I was clueless to what this meant and went home in a bit of a daze – and then googled it, which, of course, was a terrible idea.
Once I had learned more about the condition I jumped right into a healthier diet to try and balance my hormones and was doing well. I finally found out I was pregnant that October.
I had on and off dark bleeding for around 2 weeks straight, after a few calls to the early pregnancy unit I was reassured that this was common and to try to relax.
Then one day at work I felt something and rushed to the toilet only to find lots of fresh blood. Knowing in my gut what was happening I rushed home, met my husband there and after seconds of getting into the bathroom there was a mass rush of blood. I had no idea what to expect, but a blood clot the size of my palm definitely wasn’t it. My husband knelt with me, there in the bathroom, holding me together the best he could.
I was told to wait 2 weeks and then take another pregnancy test, and if it was positive I would then be seen. This felt like the most impossible thing to do at the time, so a few days later we had a private scan and it was confirmed, I’d had a missed miscarriage at 7 weeks. So when I was finally seen over a week later by the NHS we had come to terms with it all a little better.
I was then given a choice of management as I hadn’t passed the baby naturally. I opted for taking the tablets at home because all I wanted was to be at home, safe in my own space. I was sick of being in hospital waiting rooms. Sadly, however, my cervix became blocked and the pain was indescribable. I was admitted late that night and after some help I passed the baby.
We took some months to recover and rebuild ourselves mentally.
Since I can remember I have been warned not to get pregnant too young, ‘Don’t ruin your prospects’ etc. And then all of a sudden here I am in my 30s having done everything in the right order, now struggling to get pregnant – and when I did, I couldn’t get that right. It all felt so ironic and cruel.
My confidence was ruined in every way. I started to question my whole existence, what I could and couldn’t do. My confidence in daily and professional tasks completely dropped and it’s still a stumbling block to this day. The anxiety of baby showers, doing the food shop surrounded by families and the ultimate fear, being put on the spot and being asked the dreaded question is often too much to handle. I remember the first baby shower I attended after my first miscarriage, for a close friend. Her auntie put me on the spot in front of everyone. I laughed it off as best I could but she kept pushing, even warned me of complications given I was over 30. My dad at that time was also in ICU after having a sudden heart problem. To this day I have no idea how I held my composure, that time in my life was so traumatic.
And of course being in my 30s, babies then starting coming from everywhere. At the time of my first miscarriage a friend within my group was also pregnant, our timelines almost to the week. So I can’t help but look at their child, the baby shower, birth and 1st birthday party and grieve our baby every time I see them.
In the 2 years I have been living through all of this a grand total of 10 babies have come into my life. My feelings around this are complicated, I am happy for them all and so happy to have some new family members in my life that I adore, but the heartbreak of feeling left out, not being able to physically be a mum and not feeling good enough will always be the same.
In March 2022, I became pregnant again. But in my heart I knew something wasn’t right, so much so I didn’t even tell my husband. 2 days later I miscarried at 3 weeks. I was told by a health care professional not to even count it as a pregnancy as it was so early. I was too numb at the time, but now I realise how heartbreaking of a statement that was.
After picking ourselves up again I fell pregnant again in September and everything felt different. I had normal pregnancy symptoms for the first time, which felt amazing. I loved feeling sick, as weird as that will sound, it felt like all was going to be OK this time.
I was given progesterone and offered an early reassurance scan. The week leading up to the scan was the most nervous wait and when I was finally in the room I worked myself up so much I actually vomited in the chair. After calming down we started and the silence was deafening. Again, confirmed missed miscarriage at 6 weeks.
It all feels a bit like a blur now, but the walk out of the room feeling like everyone was staring at the poor girl clearly just been given awful news was so heartbreakingly embarrassing. I kept thinking, how is this me? Am I the desperate woman in the films who just can’t be a mum, no matter how hard she tries?
We had a family weekend away planned and were due to leave that day. We were hopeful that we could break the happy news to the family when we got there, instead we were honest and told them everything. We were determined to still go and not let this affect our lifestyle so much again.
I will always look back fondly on that weekend. It was bittersweet but definitely better to be surrounded with loved ones as opposed to being home alone just us. We took a family photo, me in the middle with baby nephews and a niece on the way surrounding me. My face is happy but now looking at that photo all I see is the pain in my eyes and the baby no longer beating in my belly.
This time I chose to have the surgery, all the staff were amazing when I was clearly terrified. I remember opening my eyes coming round from the anaesthetic and immediately crying realising I was back in the reality of it all.
We decided to name the babies and left engraved stones at the crematorium where their ashes were spread. I don’t visit there as it’s just too sad, but it helps knowing the stones are there, marking them in the small way we could.
And here I am now, writing this in October 2023 still trying to get pregnant. We have both had all the tests we can possibly have. I’ve been told IVF is not a viable option for me, so we are remaining positive, feeling strong and going to keep trying! I wish I had a better ending but for now it’s just a case of staying strong and being kind to myself!
I just wish more people spoke about miscarriage, had I known just a little I would have gone into this whole process a little more prepared and mentally protected.
So at the end of my journey, whether it ends with a baby or not I, pledge to talk about my experiences more often and hope that miscarriage is not kept so quiet, for the sake of other women in the future.
For anyone else going through this, please stay strong, don’t blame yourself and find comfort from those who care. You’re not alone.