A natural instinct in most women is to mother a child. When this is taken from you and out of your control it is hard to come to terms with. Not being able to have children can be a challenging and isolating experience. For some who desperately wanted children they cannot just turn those emotions off and move on. It’s like a wrench in your stomach that you cannot get rid of and a continuous grieving process that seems never ending.
My husband and I have been trying to have children for the past fourteen years but without success. After losing five babies ourselves, one being an ectopic pregnancy and then four through miscarriage we had reached breaking point. We had endured years of treatment for my endometriosis followed by false hope, unsuccessful IVF attempts and multiple miscarriages. This had all taken its toll and I couldn’t understand why no one could help or give us answers.
Sadly, it wasn’t until I had suffered my fourth miscarriage and asked for investigations that I was actually offered basic tests and referred to a miscarriage clinic but even then it wasn’t straight forward. After being pushed from pillar to post, a six month waiting list and 3 cancelled appointments later we were seen – the whole process took about a year after my fourth miscarriage but unfortunately we are no further forward. This made a traumatic time even more challenging having to find the energy to chase up appointments whilst trying to process our grief. Women shouldn’t have to go through multiple miscarriages or fight a battle before receiving the right help and care.
The invisible pain that many go through to try to conceive without success is rarely acknowledged or understood. Some of us have been given hope when we get that positive test which is then taken from us when you hear those words ‘I’m sorry but there is no heartbeat.’ Hearing these words still haunts me to this day and we were made to feel that our losses weren’t important, when they were to us, leaving us to try to process our grief for our miscarriages and the loss of not having our own children without adequate support.
Now being involuntarily childless leaves us wondering what we will do with our life. The usual path of having children and grandchildren is now no longer an option.
You are constantly brushing off insensitive comments and dread family events and friendship group catch ups in case someone announces they are pregnant. You put on a front to congratulate them but each time you hear that announcement, it is a grieving process that digs up emotions. Of course you are happy for them as you wouldn’t want anyone to experience what you have been through, and maybe it hasn’t been plain sailing for them, but it is still hard to take in especially if you are experiencing failed IVF attempts and miscarriages at the same time. It also does not stop you feeling a small amount of resentment which is then followed by guilt for feeling this way causing you to be even harder on yourself than you already are.
Then there is social media and group chats – people uploading baby scans, birth announcements and baby photos. For modern society this is normal and proud parents are of course wanting to announce their good news and track their child’s milestone events. You just get that heart wrenching and overwhelming feeling each time you see a post or photo of wanting to be a parent yourself.
As everyone around you is having children and your friends are moving forward you feel isolated and unable to join in with conversations in your friendship groups about parenthood, comparing important milestones, first days at school, play dates etc. Sometimes you just sit in silence and listen as you don’t have a common ground to talk about.
You are also faced with awkward questions from those who are not aware of your situation, usually because you are not ready to announce this to the world, such as ‘When are you starting a family?’, ‘Have you got children?’ or ‘Do you not want children?’ All you want to say is ‘no, I can’t have children’, but for some reason you just say no and don’t give any detail so there is a long silence.
For those who do know your situation you can be faced with insensitive comments and suggestions which of course are not meant this way as people are trying to help. However, comments such as ‘why don’t you ‘just’ adopt?’ are not helpful. ‘Just’ is used like it’s an easy process and some couples have been through so much that they are not in the right headspace or have the emotional capacity at that time to bring up someone else’s child. If you have had a miscarriage you may be faced with ‘it wasn’t meant to be’, ‘at least you know you can get pregnant’ or ‘you can try again’ but what some will not be aware of is that you had to endure the process of IVF to try to get pregnant in the first place which is not a nice, quick or easy process. I never understood ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ ‘it happened for a reason’ or ‘it’s just one of those things’ as there is a reason the miscarriages keep happening it’s just that no one seems to be able to confirm why leaving you in a state of limbo.
There are also comments when friends come to your house and say ‘it’s so peaceful here, you wouldn’t get this at mine, it’s chaos’ but what they don’t think about is that you yearn for that chaos to fill your empty home with the love and laughter of children. Again these comments are not meant to upset us, and parenthood is not easy, so this is said in jest as parents thrive for a bit of peace or time out from family life, but it does not stop the comments hitting a nerve.
Turning forty then brings in panic that you are running out of time. At this point you realise that you will need to go through the grieving process for the loss of not having your own children, never becoming a grandparent, or not able to join in with your friends who are parents in order to move on with your life, which is a daunting thought. This may be harder than you think when constantly faced with triggers and celebrations such as mother’s day, father’s day, and Christmas as you yourself want to celebrate these days with your children and see the excitement on your child’s face when they run down the stairs on Christmas morning. There are also friends and family members now talking to you about procedures they’re considering to prevent pregnancy and you hear ‘no way, I’m not having any more children’ or ‘it’s sad as it means we won’t be able to have any more children.’ Yes, this is a part of their process in life as they have had the opportunity to have children and now do not want anymore but it doesn’t stop you thinking ‘well at least you have children’ as you would give anything to have what they have.
As time moves on some couples may be able to accept the reality and find other ways to fulfil their life and others may find this not so easy wondering how old age will look without your children or grandchildren coming to visit you. I think I’m in between these as I cannot accept the fact I can’t have children, but I’m wondering what else is out there, I just haven’t found the answer yet. I have therefore decided to raise funds in the meantime for The Miscarriage Association to help them to continue to provide vital support to others.
Sadly, part of the reality is that many couples grieve in silence for the loss of not being able to enjoy having a family as society has not made it easy to be honest about these things. By more people speaking out hopefully it helps others to understand that it is ok to feel the emotions they are feeling, these are completely justified, and they are not alone. It may also help friends and relatives to try to understand the emotions involved and why it is not so easy to turn these off and move on.