Pregnancy.
Dream come true! We were over the moon that our fairy tale was getting another chapter. A baby. We told everyone from 4 weeks as we were so excited, we wanted to share the excitement with everyone. It was all I have ever wanted and we got excited at every milestone. We had our first scan at 12 weeks and saw the tiny little heartbeat. We only managed to get a tiny glimpse as baby wouldn’t turn around which meant the sonographer struggled to get measurements. However, no one was worried and we were happy that there was a heartbeat and a baby. We booked another scan for 16+6 for a dating scan. We couldn’t wait.
My body kept growing and we followed every journey of the pregnancy with anticipation. Buying little bits as we couldn’t help ourselves. We were looking forward to seeing the midwife at 16+2 and getting to hear the baby’s heartbeat. The midwife struggled to get a clear heartbeat however said she kept hearing little bits of it and she was not worried at all. Just a cheeky baby. This baby was loved beyond belief before it was even here.
Something wrong.
On Wednesday 1st May (16+4) my partner, Gary, went to work. I went to the bathroom and saw dark, dried blood. It was only a little but I thought I should ring for advice. I spoke to the community midwife who suggested I go to the hospital just to have a check. I was slightly reassured that dark blood wasn’t as bad as fresh.
We got to the hospital and they tried listening to the heartbeat but had the same difficulties as my midwife had had. We were put in a room and asked to wait until someone came to do a scan. After a long wait, a doctor came, then another. They asked me to drink some more water and a consultant tried again. She confirmed our worst fear. Baby had died. They were only getting measurements for around 12 weeks. We found some peace in that we finally got to see what baby looked like. It’s little face and nose was clear on the screen. Our baby.
The next day we were given an appointment to visit the Early Pregnancy Unit. Another scan confirmed that there was no heart beat and that baby was measuring at around 12 weeks. Although we knew baby had passed, we asked for a picture as we didn’t have one from 12 weeks. We were given so much information and our heads were all over the place. The nurses were amazing; so patient and let us have our own room. We were given options that we didn’t have to make that day but we did. We had the option to go for a surgical or medically managed route. I already knew I didn’t want surgical and we couldn’t tell the exact age of baby so surgical was a huge no. We opted for medical. I was given a tablet that day that would start the process and told I would be admitted two days later, when I would have been 17 weeks. We were devasted. Both cried and didn’t let go of each other.
I was admitted Saturday evening to the gynaecology ward. They were already wonderful. I had to have my own room and toilet and had to make sure I told the nurses every time I used the bathroom. Gary was allowed to stay the whole time, which could have been up to 3 nights. We got settled and I was given the first of my course of tablets. We kept our spirits up and played Harry Potter Uno while watching Harry Potter on the iPad. I was given another tablet 3 hours later, then another. At around midnight the cramping was getting worse and the need to empty my bowels was a usual feeling of wanting to push. The pain got worse and worse. My whole body tensing, Gary holding me each time. I believe these were contractions. The pain became unbearable and I was sick. I was given more pain relief and anti-sickness. At 1.30am, I needed the bathroom. I sat and felt the baby leave me. I felt every part of them. They were so tiny. I cried and asked Gary to call the nurse. I didn’t want to stand up and see; I knew it had happened but they needed to confirm. My amazing nurse came in and knelt on the floor in front of me, holding my hand. She helped me to stand up and covered the bed pan. The physical pain was gone.
I had to have 2 more tablets to make sure everything was gone. Although it was a horrendous experience, I was glad that it all happened so quickly. I was able to go home that morning.
The emotional pain is indescribable.
I took some time from my job as a primary school teacher and we’ve spent some time looking after each other and healing. The physical healing will take a few weeks before I need to take another pregnancy test to check that everything has gone.
We chose for the baby to be cremated by the hospital. They confirmed that it was a young age and said my body didn’t recognise the miscarriage – a missed miscarriage – which is why I carried on carrying baby until 17 weeks.
We were given the most wonderful memory box which we will treasure forever and have bought the most beautiful cherry blossom for our garden. For our memory.
We are both wanting to try again when we have healed more but we will always have this memory and sadness. The empty feeling is still weighing heavy on our chests. My tummy still feels incredibly empty and I constantly touch my tummy, missing what I felt for so many weeks. We have had the most amazing support at home but also from the hospital, with specialist nurses ringing to check in and always at the other end of the phone.
We found strength in each other. It’s important to remember that every feeling is valid – anger, guilt, frustration, sadness and even hope. Allowing ourselves to feel and talk has helped and will continue to help with our journey to healing.
