I try not to remember the exact date but that day will forever stay in our memory. 4 weeks previous we had been super excited to see the heartbeat on the scan following our 5th round of fertility treatment, having already lost one pregnancy before a heartbeat was detected. Filled with so much excitement and hope we eagerly booked a private reassurance scan at 11 weeks to get updated pictures to show the family. These photos will never exist.
I knew instantly that our baby had gone when the nurse asked me to empty my bladder so she could get a better view. I numbly went to the toilet and came back into the room shaking my head at my husband whose face was full of anxiety as he told me it was all going to be OK. I laid there with my eyes closed while she calmly told me she had to get a second opinion. The rest of the day is a blur. I vaguely remember walking the dog and people were talking to us but I was just numbly going through the motions.
How could our amazing miracle of life have a beautiful heartbeat and then fall still a few weeks later?
This was almost two years ago and I’ll forever remember them and what they could have been. A few months after this day I found out I was pregnant for a third time and it’s no exaggeration that I was terrified I was going to lose them, even when I was in labour at 40+5 and delivering my miracle daughter. To the world I am a first time mum but I know better, I’ve carried three little ones and they will all support and challenge me in my new role in motherhood.