It all started with those two beautiful blue lines. I’d been waiting for that moment for years, I found the perfect man, I’d got my home and we were ready. I’ve worked with children since I was 16 and new I wanted to be a mum from an early age, I just had to wait for the right person to come along and he did.
We decided to start trying for a baby and after about 3 weeks of trying we were pregnant. I couldn’t believe our luck, so quickly after having the implant out I saw those 2 blue lines. I couldn’t wait to tell him, my mum and my dad. We were all so excited and even though I knew I shouldn’t have, we started getting a few bits for our baby.
The next 12 weeks went by and I had a few issues with constipation but other than that I started to dream about all we were going to do with our baby and what they would be like.
We had our 12 weeks scan and there he was beautifully growing as he should.
We got to Christmas and told all our family and friends – we thought ‘why not’, as we were in the safe zone of over 12 weeks.
Then new year’s day came and I felt a rush of blood. I was so scared. I ran to the bathroom and looked down and could just see blood, and blood clots. I went into panic mode and got in the car to go straight to the hospital, when I arrived I was seen after about an hour of waiting.
The doctor said that I couldn’t have a scan because it was a bank holiday and no one on the ward at that time could perform one, but they would give me an internal exam. So I was waiting on my internal exam and he said, “the cervix is closed, but it’s likely you have suffered a miscarriage, we will have to wait for a scan to be sure”. Then he said he needed to speak with his registrar, who came and said she would like to complete an exam too, Again she stated that the cervix was closed and that we had to keep positive as we didn’t know if anything had happened to baby.
I had to wait 2 days for the scan and I spent those days crying and thinking I had lost my baby. I went to the hospital on the 3rd with my partner and we sat in the waiting room to be called. Then the time came, we went in and I laid down thinking the worst. But by some sort of miracle after about 20 seconds she said, “Nothing to worry about, baby’s heart beat is strong and he’s moving his little bum around nicely.”
Well I cried with tears of joy and we left that hospital with a spring in our steps, we were still going to be parents, our dreams would still come true.
I’d not stopped fully bleeding but the doctors explained that this may happen and to monitor the bleeding and come back in 7 days for another check. We got to day 6 and the bleeding had gone to spotting, but then all of a sudden I felt that same feeling of a big gush and my heart dropped again. We went straight back to the hospital and this time we had a scan within the hour, my heart stopped in that moment, waiting to see my baby on the screen and to hear if he was OK or not.
Again, just like before, she said “There he is, heart beat’s strong and nothing to worry about.” I asked why I’d had another bleed and they couldn’t explain in.
Another few days went by and I was still bleeding, but again it was slowing. 5 days after my second big bleed I was woken up by that same gushing feeling, but this time I had pains. I thought please not again, please say I’m dreaming, but no, sure enough I went to the toilet and there it was, another big bleed. I waited until the morning as I wanted to be seen by my same team at the woman’s health unit and by then the bleeding had once again slowed down after the big bleed. I called and made an appointment, crossed my fingers and hoped.
When we got to the hospital I was seen by a doctor and had another exam. The cervix was still closed but I was bleeding. Another scan and again told that baby was fine, but that I’d had a threatened miscarriage and needed to take it easy for the next few days. I took the next day off work and stayed in bed, hoping that the bleeding would stop.
At this point I had mixed feelings, I was so happy my beautiful baby was ok but just drained from all the back and forth to the hospital, the bleeding and the pains. I was hating being pregnant at this point and people telling me it would get easier, it wasn’t getting easier for me emotionally or physically. I was just so drained. But I thought to myself, ‘I have a baby to think of and we can get though this, it will all be worth it in the end because I will have that baby in my arms and will be able to say I made this and I’m his mum.’
After spending the Friday and then the rest of the weekend taking it easy I started to feel better in myself. I had almost stopped bleeding all together, I felt a little stronger and less drained. I had one of the best days since the bleeding started and even started to enjoy pregnancy a little as people started to notice my bump. This feeling didn’t last long though and the very next day I had that same gushing feeling, this time at work. I didn’t panic as much this time because by this point I had sort of got used to this being part of my pregnancy.
I called the women’s health unit, got an appointment booked and went in for another scan and exam. Again everything was fine with baby and I was again told to take it easy but do some light walking.
A week went by and I was still bleeding, but it had slowed again and I was just trying to enjoy my pregnancy.
I was at 17 weeks 4 days and again that same gushing feeling and another hospital trip. This time they kept me in overnight. I had a scan and that was when I was told that they believed my waters had broken and that I need to be monitored. I was so scared. What did this mean? Was I going to lose my baby this time?
The doctors words to me were, “We will have to wait and see what will happen and hope we get to 24 weeks.” I was sent home after spending the night and told to rest and do some light walking. I followed everything the doctors said, I drank lots of water, did some light walking and stayed in bed or on the sofa.
I was booked for another scan in a weeks time and was just praying that all I was doing was going to keep my baby where he needed to be until 24 weeks, then they would see my beautiful boy as a baby worth trying to save.
I got to 18 weeks and 3 days and I’d been following everything the doctors had said. My partner and I decided that I needed to go for a short walk as I’d been in the house all day and was going a little crazy. About 5 minutes into the walk I felt that gush but this time I knew it was even more than before. We headed back home as quickly but as carefully as we could and I got straight into the shower. It wasn’t as bad as I thought so I had my shower and got into bed.
It was about 3 in the morning and I was woken up to terrible pains in my hips and stomach and rushed to the toilet. Yet again there it was, another gush of blood, blood clots and pains. I showered and got into bed in the spare bedroom. I was in so much pain in my hips and had to go back to the toilet as another big gush came. It hit me this time that it was different, this time I knew something wasn’t right. But I tried to remain calm and as I got back into bed to try and relax the pain seemed to ease slightly and I managed to go to sleep for a few hours.
I woke up and then it hit me again, the unbelievable pain in my hips and stomach and yet again another gush. My partner had left for work at this point as I’d not told him about the pains and he had left me sleeping as he knew I was drained and needed my sleep. So there I was, in pain, bleeding, knowing something wasn’t right. My mum was coming to check in on me that morning, so I called her and told her she needed to come now and I said that I think I needed an ambulance.
My mum was with me in 10 minutes, I was screaming in pain at this point and just new I was in labour, but it was too soon my baby wasn’t ready, they wouldn’t try and save him. I was in so much pain physically, but mentally my heart was hurting knowing that my chances of carrying this baby any longer were gone.
Here it gets difficult, the paramedics were on strike and I couldn’t get an ambulance as what was happening to me wasn’t deemed as ‘life threatening’. So my mum got me in the car and drove me to the hospital. I was screaming in pain and knew then that I was bleeding and it wasn’t stopping, I knew I had lost a lot of blood at this point. We arrived at A&E and my mum ran in and got some nurses to come and get me from the car as I couldn’t walk.
She had to move the car as she was parked where the ambulance should have been. So she handed me over to the nurses hoping they would take me straight though, but they put me in front of someone who then started to ask me questions. My name, date of birth, home address… I was begging for help, I was bleeding, in so much pain and she was asking me questions. I just wanted my mum to come and save me or for someone to hear my cry and actually help.
I got pushed to another desk and then a queue. Then got pushed to another nurse who took my blood pressure, all this time I was screaming in pain. I was so embarrassed, in pain and bleeding though my clothes and it felt like no one cared or was listening. I told the nurse again I was pregnant, bleeding heavily and needed help, she stated that she understood and took me to another waiting area.
I couldn’t believe that no one was helping me, I was screaming for help and was not getting listened to. I had to stand as the blood was pooling in the wheelchair at this point, I stood and all you could see on the floor was a puddle of blood. My mum came rushing in and found me in the waiting room, I screamed for her help. Just as she came in a kind nurse came and saw I was bleeding and helped. Finally someone listened to my cry for help. She took me straight though to a room.
I had to take my trousers off and the pool of blood was huge. The nurse’s name was Karen, she ran out of the room and then 5 or 6 doctors came in. The next 20 minutes is a little blurry for me, but I will tell you what I can remember…
I was rushed into another room. I was screaming in distress and half naked at this point, and then a wave of doctors and nurses came in. I was then hooked up to different machines, with needles going into both arms. This is when I first passed out, from what my mum said I was fitting at this point too. I had a doctor in my ear asking me questions but I couldn’t answer as I couldn’t hear what he was saying. I passed out 7 – 10 times my mum said.
I came to and remember getting the urge to push. I didn’t want to as I knew what that meant, but my body needed me to do it, so I pushed and there was my beautiful baby boy, he was alive and kicking. Even though he was only 18 weeks and 3 days I remember him kicking and moving!
He was placed on my chest and his little feet were moving for a moment and he held my little finger, but just as that moment was there then it was gone and my beautiful little boy was gone. I don’t remember much after that as I passed out again.
When I came to I had someone holding my legs in the air and people talking in my ears. I looked for my mum and she was crying. She thought she had lost me. She thought she had lost me and her grandson on the same day. What made this ten times worse is on the same date, 6th of February, 8 years before we had lost my brother, my mum’s second child, and she had to watch as another one of her children was losing a child and in serous ill health themselves.
After I had come round and things seemed to calm I remember being given a blood transfusion and getting some more medication.
My beautiful baby although not breathing was still with me and wrapped up in a blanket.
I was on the A&E word for a few hours before going to the woman’s health unit. The woman’s health unit staff were and are amazing! Danni, one of the nurses that took care of me, treated my beautiful baby, Nico Jack, with the upmost respect. She went above and beyond for me for the 3 days I had to stay in that unit and I couldn’t have asked for anyone better.
I’m still recovering from the loss of my beautiful baby boy Nico Jack and it’s hit me and my partner hard.
He will always be my first baby, the baby that made me a mum and the baby I will not be able to watch grow.
I have a massive fear of becoming pregnant again and the same things happening again, but in time I hope that I will and hopefully I’ll have a healthy pregnancy.
Reading the stories on the Miscarriage Association website helped me feel less alone and the booklets have been a great support as well.