Writing this, it’s been exactly a year since my miscarriage and I remember it like it was yesterday.
We found out I was pregnant the same day we got the keys to our first bought home.
We bought a t-shirt that said ‘big brother’ for our little boy as a way to break it to our families.
It turned out I knew my midwife as well, from years back, sister of a old friend so that made me feel better. I had lost my first baby in 2016 at 9weeks so I was nervous.
Then I noticed some brown blood so texted her straight away. She called me and said it didn’t sound like anything to worry about, but to keep an eye on it and contact the maternity unit should it get worse. I did and was waiting on a call back first thing Monday morning. But it didn’t get that far.
On Sunday morning I woke up with my husband’s alarm for work and instantly knew I needed the bathroom. As soon as I stood up, I felt the biggest gush and ran to the bathroom. When I switched on the light my greatest fear was realised – my pyjama bottoms were soaked in blood and I knew it was over. I screamed for my husband and he rushed in to find me hysterical and covered in blood.
I switched the shower on to try to clean myself up when I saw my tiny little baby in the bath. I turned the shower off and cradled the poor wee soul in my hand. My husband got a tupperware to place the baby in so we could take it to the hospital. I tried to get out of the bath to help him clean up, but the bleeding wouldn’t stop. He called his mum, who thankfully lives down the road, to come and look after our little boy, then he phoned the hospital who sent an ambulance for me. I lost so much blood I passed out shortly after the paramedics arrived. After that it’s a bit of a blur till after surgery.
I spent all day in hospital until I was strong enough to stand up by myself. The minute I left, I started to cry and did so all the way home.
We might have been mid-pandemic but I cannot fault the care I received. My husband wasn’t allowed in the ambulance or the operating theatre, but he was by my side every second of that day and for that, I’ll always be eternally grateful.
After that, recovery took its time. I was on iron tablets and needed someone with me because I wasn’t strong enough to do anything for myself. I had bereavement counselling. My work were a nightmare and I was off for 4 months.
I don’t know if we’ll ever try again, I’ve been haunted by this experience. It’s changed me and the way I look at things now.