I have been with my partner for 24 years, since I was 18. I have also been a type 1 diabetic since I was 7 years old.
Our first pregnancy was when I was 19 and I didn’t realise I was pregnant until I went into labour at 25 weeks. I had no bump until that day (baby was apparently at my back) and I had bled each month, my periods were never heavy anyway. Unfortunately our precious baby boy was stillborn and it was a huge devastating shock becoming a mother and losing my son all in one day!
Thankfully I had and still have a supportive partner and families and we were offered support from SANDS who were so kind, but I was too traumatised to talk to anyone professionally about it. I was then also terrified to plan any pregnancy or talk about my want and need for a baby for many years. I focused on university and got my degree and then a job as a training manager.
When I was 24 I felt unwell and had an unusually heavy period that lasted over a week and on going to my doctor she said I had a positive pregnancy test and more than likely had miscarried very early. Because the miscarriage had occurred before I knew I was pregnant it was a little easier to carry on this time but the loss still took another bit of my heart with it.
At 27 I fell pregnant by chance and we were so excited, this time felt right we were a good age, had established jobs (good maternity leave conditions) and were solid as a couple. But on going for an early scan at 9 weeks we discovered it was a molar pregnancy and we were devastated! I felt so useless and my thoughts were all about blaming myself. I had a complete hydatidiform mole and I had to send samples regularly for at least 6 months after this to check my hCG (hormone) levels had returned to normal.
Planning a baby then became an even more terrifying thought. I focused on my work and at 29 I went back to university to do my PGDE and become a primary teacher – I decided that I would nurture and care for other children. I didn’t know who to talk to and so never spoke to anyone professionally about my losses and fears and never have since.
However, at 36 years old, while on the pill and out of the blue, I discovered I was pregnant. I was so scared and cried when I first did a test. I spent the whole pregnancy worrying about what was going to go wrong and I was told constantly to be like my blood type (B+). I wish I had enjoyed my pregnancy more.
She was so excited to come into the world she arrived 4 weeks early weighing 6lb 7oz and was absolutely perfect! We finally got our beautiful ‘sunshine baby’ who is now 5 years old and one of the smartest in her class! My little life saver!
Having our daughter is the best thing that ever happened to us and we thought a sibling for her would be so nice. Unfortunately we have tried since she was 2 years old and had no luck getting pregnant until last year in August 2020. However after 5-6 weeks I miscarried. This was so hard and brought back painful memories. But we got through it and focused on our daughter.
Last month I found out I was pregnant again and thought that this was a sign we were meant to have another baby, I would be about 5-6 weeks now but I have been bleeding red blood all weekend. Today, in May 2021, I have just had another scan and it has been confirmed I have had another miscarriage.
Being diabetic may be a factor but my control is very good (average blood sugar levels HBA1c is 6.0%) and the fact I am now age 42 may also be a contributor, but the loss is so painful every time. I am now wondering if we should keep trying or just appreciate our little ray of sunshine daughter that we have. I just know she would love a wee brother or sister, but I can’t seem to make it happen!
I maybe need to be thankful for what we have because while we have had some heartbreaking experiences I know I am far luckier than some others.