I knew something was wrong two weeks prior. I had very minimal bleeding but it was like someone had turned a light off inside and there was just darkness and silence. I would shout hello in my head and I could just feel the empty feeling.
I was away in the USA and on my return, I had spoken to the midwife who reassured me I was fine and my baby was safe inside and I was a worried first-time mum. I rang 111 after passing tissue, I spoke to my GP and the referral to the Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU) didn’t go through until I chased the next week, by which time they didn’t have an appointment for another 3 days.
This two-week period and waiting for the phone to ring was excruciating mentally. I considered myself to be a strong person but this broke me especially as I felt no one was listening and I had to keep chasing and repeating my story.
So March the 15th I booked a private scan where they told me there was no heartbeat and I felt such relief that I finally knew what I had known all along.
As soon as I got to the EPU a few days later and in the system it was great, I could stop thinking as they told me what was happening, when next to come, listened to me – I just wish this had happened sooner.
I found out at my first appointment at the EPU that it was a twin pregnancy and that the yolk sac and fetal pole of one was still in place, but I had passed the other back when I rang 111. We waited to see if my body would take the natural course – it didn’t. During this time I went on my hen do – nappies, puppy pads and painkillers all packed. Nothing happened and thankfully it was an amazing weekend I felt so much love from my best friends. Unbelievably sadly, my friend was experiencing the same thing. I cried the whole plane ride home, my two friends gripping my hands – I think this was also the booze but it felt great to just let it out.
The very next day I went back to EPU, all still the same and in place on the scan so they gave me the drugs to start my medical management at home the following day. My mum is a nurse so came to help. I got myself all prepped: notebook, Codeine, towels, and sick bucket. I started making notes to keep track. You can see my writing start to blur after 4 hours and I just couldn’t stop being sick. The contractions felt as I imagined – very painful but I could catch my breath between them. The pain medication didn’t get a chance to kick in as I was constantly sick.
I’m not sure what happened but the pain just suddenly ramped up, there were no breaks to catch my breath just continuous agony I kept trying to crawl away and escape. If I’m in pain I go very quiet but I could hear myself screaming like a wild animal. It got a bit chaotic my mum is still quite traumatised even having seen quite a lot on her days on the ward. The EPU said they would send an ambulance but I knew I could do it a bit longer. I got in the bath and finally passed after, I’m not sure, maybe 6 hours, the little foetus.
The whole level of pain caught me off guard but my body and brain forget, and it was just one day. I have subsequently heard two other stories of people getting like this and then going on to give birth to a rainbow baby and the level of pain being incomparable to miscarriage and much more manageable. I did start to worry I would have a fear of birth, but I now believe that I will be helped by being in a controlled environment with choices.
My next scan showed that the miscarriage was incomplete, so another long wait of bleeding and adult nappies. 2 weeks later I naturally passed the placenta. The bleeding continued for another month. I think these physical symptoms lasting so long ensured I couldn’t try to move on too quickly and I took my time to rest and deal with what had happened. We had been trying for a baby since the start of 2019 so it felt like a lot to process.
During this time there were so many happy moments. The day after I found out we had miscarried I went for lunch with a friend who refused to take no for an answer – took the day off work and ensured I kept happy. Another friend drove 2 hours across London, baby in tow, to bring breakfast from my favourite bakery. The flowers, and the messages from people sharing their own experiences helped.
As I mentioned, my friend was going through the same thing, we even had medical management the same day – this is all her story to tell but the fact she was there for the hen do, wedding and meet ups, and having that support, I will forever be grateful for. Just the little look across a room from her to say ‘I got you’.
I would not wish it on anyone, I know it’s traumatic and for me, I had to dig deep to keep my brain in a light place. I had quit my career to see if eradicating certain stressors would work in falling pregnant, and it did. However, to go through this experience not having to go to the office and having to put on a brave face and achieve was a real help. The strength of women that pick themselves up and get back to work is astounding, they are superwomen.
Things that didn’t help were the ‘at least’ crowd – at least it’s early, at least you can get pregnant, you will get your rainbow baby soon, oh my friend / Aunt / next door neighbour had one too, it wasn’t meant to be…. hmmm, ok. I just nodded and agreed and tried to box this and realise this is all about them and their discomfort in acknowledging grief and try to ignore, but honestly I would tell anyone just say ‘I’m sorry’. It’s so simple and won’t cause more pain to a grieving person. I can’t think of many other scenarios you would, ‘oh your grandma died? A least you have another!’. A lot of dark humour here helped!
To my husband – you were such a source of support. The amount of reading you did helped me through. You were really sad and you showed me that you were, rather than hide these emotions. You threw yourself further into work as a coping mechanism and then had your focus on running the marathon to help you deal with the emotions. I know you were disappointed to not get a place but keep training and running to keep your head strong. We embraced the dark times but still had so many laughs together along the way and I’m forever grateful to you.
I know that I got through this with an incredible support network of friends and family but I also relied on reading the stories on the Miscarriage Association website to not feel alone.
To anyone feeling they can’t share with those around them or don’t have this support, just know I’m thinking of you and I’m holding you in my thoughts, you are strong and will find the light again.
I hate running, but I hate emotional pain more, so I took up running and latched onto the painful thoughts I had. My body was in pain, my mind was in pain, but I was in control to an extent!
We are all faced with pregnancy announcements, baby showers, and kids’ birthday parties. A silly way that helped me cope with this was to ‘hack’ my own thoughts to stay in the light. I would look at each one and think wow so many pregnancies end in miscarriage this is amazing as outcomes can be so different. Or just look at people in the street and think about all the odds you had to fight through just to be born! I appreciate this is not for everyone and it’s ok to feel sad, angry, and make comparisons but for me, it really helped to feel positive thoughts and hold on to hope and gratitude.
A very kind thing that happened was the people that would send a text first to announce they were expecting before a group text, this helped immensely and their thoughtfulness will always be appreciated.
I chose March the 15th as my date here, but every day and date are important and I will celebrate and commemorate each day as these two angels reminded me of my strength and the joy in every day.