My first pregnancy went well; no major problems and I was happy and healthy. The thought of miscarriage didn’t even occur to us and we’d practically skipped into the scan room at 12 weeks and enjoyed every second of the scan. My healthy daughter arrived in September 2020 and, although we struggled at times through covid, we knew we wanted another to complete our family.
In December 2021, we found out that I was pregnant again. We were absolutely thrilled and naturally expected a similar pregnancy to last time, as we had no experience of anything else. We planned our lives as a four, talked about the future constantly, and couldn’t wait to meet our little addition to our family.
In February 2022, at 11 weeks, I noticed a tiny bit of spotting. I wasn’t concerned as I still had morning sickness and a small bump and felt very pregnant, but rang the midwife and asked if I could pull my scan forward just to ease my mind. Plus I couldn’t wait to see our baby for the first time!
My husband had a meeting in Scotland on the day of the scan and I assured him that he didn’t need to cancel it as all would be fine. I genuinely believed that it would be; after all, why would it not?! I went into the scan room and got ready and stared at the screen in front of me, excited to see the tiny life form that we had created.
After a few moments, the midwife calmly told me that sadly the baby had died at 6 weeks, but that my body had continued believing it was pregnant and not miscarried the foetus. I can pinpoint the exact moment that my heart shattered into a thousand pieces, as I screamed and collapsed off the bed into the sonographer’s arms. How could this have happened? What even was a missed miscarriage? How could my body not have known and let me down so badly? How could I have been so naive?
The moments after were a blur; I collapsed again in the corridor, had a panic attack, eventually finding the courage to call my husband and parents to tell them that the baby did not survive. That moment changed my entire mindset of the fragility of life and death from then on.
Fast forward a few months and we decided that we were ready to try again. I say ‘ready’- you are never ready to go again after losing a baby, but we were brave enough to give it another go. In July 2022, I found out that I pregnant once again. We were absolutely thrilled and kept telling each other that everything WOULD be okay this time and it wouldn’t happen to us again; the chances are too slim.
We had a scan at 7 weeks and it revealed a tiny little life form with a strong beating heart. We were overjoyed and were so positive about the future of this little one. At 9 weeks and 4 days, we had another scan and once again, there they were; wriggling with a strong heartbeat. This is it we thought, all will be well and we can put our loss behind us.
At 11 weeks and 5 days, I noticed a spot of blood and I knew. I knew it had happened again but I hoped. All I had was hope. We arranged a scan for the next day. Lying on the bed, gripping my husbands hand, I stared at the sonographer’s face and waited in silence for what seemed like a lifetime. After the longest 30 seconds of my life, I heard the words “I’m so sorry” and my world collapsed around me once again. I screamed and screamed and sobbed uncontrollably into my husband’s chest. How could this have happened again? WHY us?
Fast forward to June 2023 and we’re still coming to terms with the losses of our precious babies. Our daughter is an amazing distraction, and a miracle considering the statistics of miscarriage, and we realise how lucky we are now and how naive we were when I carried her – blissfully unaware of the precarious nature of pregnancy and protected from the pain of miscarriage.
Miscarriage is lonely. Isolating. Devastating. There are so emotions that come with it, that it’s near impossible to describe. I never realised how powerful hope is and sometimes it is all that we have in situations that we can’t control.
I have realised that I am not alone though. As I talk about my miscarriages to people, it suddenly becomes apparent how many women have suffered with baby loss and how important it is that we seek the support that we need.
Although sometimes women who have experienced baby loss feel that we’ll never be the same person again, I truly believe that we CAN be happy again, and that we will learn to carry the grief in our hearts and build our future around it, whatever that future may be.