Sitting in a waiting room for a scan to confirm your baby is no longer here, whilst others are waiting for a scan to see their healthy babies is the worst feeling in the world.
I found out I was pregnant at 9 weeks, I thought I was safe and out of the dark because I was nearly at the 12 week mark, but four days before my scan I ended up miscarrying. I felt so numb and alone, with lockdown restrictions I couldn’t have anyone with me to scans or appointments and it isolated me even more.
When I found out I was pregnant the second time round, I was so happy but the anxiety I felt over having another miscarriage made the short time I was pregnant miserable. I had a private scan which wasn’t helpful at all, I was only measuring 5 weeks when I had thought I was 8. I was so upset about the private scan I got referred to the EPU, where I went for a scan to check if everything was okay. I was waiting to hear the heartbeat but all I heard was silence. I had another appointment to come back to check the heartbeat again in a week, but before that appointment came I had already started miscarrying.
Some days I feel completely fine and I can talk about my miscarriages openly, but then other days I can’t even think about getting out of bed or speaking to anyone and the guilt eats me up inside as I’m constantly blaming myself. Things are getting better slowly and I know I’m not ready for a child yet because I’m still young, but I’ll always remember and love the short time I had with my babies. I will also be forever thankful for my family and friends who have been there for me, even when they don’t know what to say, just them listening helps.